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Behavior: Social Skills, Self Esteem

Best Friend is ditching her and she has no other friends


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Joined: Nov 03, 2005
Posts: 69138
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Posted Aug 15, 2004 at 11:43:37 AM
Subject: Best Friend is ditching her and she has no other friends

I'm looking for suggestions on if there is anything I can do to help my 11 yr. old dd. We saw this day coming and now that it's here, it's really painful. My dd has had a best friend who lived across street since they were born. They are very much alike - both tomboys and being the only girls on street they had each other for many years. They have always just cliqued, could read each others thoughts, had same interests, play sports together etc. Her friend(L.) is only a month apart in age but is in 6th grade and my dd is in 5th. L's parents are going thru a divorce so L. is not around as much anymore as she is with her mom 50% of time(who I'm sort of friends with and now lives couple neighborhoods away).

L. had a slumber party couple weeks ago where she invited a bunch of girls from her class. They road the bus home to her dad's house where her mom then came to pick them up. She came home in tears and she was not invited to the party. (this blew me away that her parents were so blatant about this and didn't even give it a 2nd thought about my dd's feelings on not being invited). She confronted L. on Monday and L. said that her 6th grade friends didn't want to hang around 5th grader. Last night we were at a neighborhood party where typically my dd and L. would hang out together. There were couple other girls there and my dd was in tears most of the night. The other girls were 'ignoring' her and/or running and hiding from her. My dd seemed to think that L was instigator -I don't know - my dd has hard time with groups and doesn't always read social ques real well. L's mom did go talk to her dd and the other girls several times and by end of night she was playing with them ok. However, L's mom said that my dd just couldn't handle that L. had other friends. Which is partly true - she has always had L. to herself.

Since her mom has moved out, L. has never had my dd over to sleep at her mom's(it's been a year now). She will if she is at her dad's or we have her at our house. My dd and L are still on many sports teams together - we end up shuttling L. to many of the games and practices. (I'm starting to feel like I'm being taken advantage of?)

We have tried to encourage dd to have other friends - but she just doesn't seem to have that connection or bond that she had with L. We've even had a slumber party this spring (but we invited L). Do I just let her work this out on her own, do I tell her to quit playing with L. -trying to help her find a new best friend is easier said than done.

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Anonymous
Joined Oct 31, 2014
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Posted:Aug 16, 2004 11:30:19 AM

I don't have any answers but my observation is that it not unusual for neighborhood relationships to change once kids get to middle school. One year seems to make a big difference. That may be the source of sixth graders don't play with fifth graders comment, assuming that middle school includes sixth.

Your daughter clearly needs to broaden her relationships but I know from experience that is easier said than done.

Beth

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Anonymous
Joined Oct 31, 2014
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You called this one! It was bound to happen. A year apart and middle school and everything, it's a big difference!

Does your daughter have any grade level friends? Can you import them more often? I would not invite this girl over anymore and I would not drive her around to functions. It's cooling down. It's probably over. No need to drag it out.

My son is in a sortof similar situation with a neighbor kid that he really doesn't want to be friends with but the mom expects me to facilitate a friendship between them since they attend the same school and are in the same grade. It's really hard to force your kids to be friends with someone. I just wish this other mom would import other kids for your son to play with so he can stop focusing on my son. It's a yucky situation. His mom is desperate for her son to have my son as a friend. Am I supposed to make my son be friends with him? I mean the kid even bit my son once and these are 4th graders!

Sorry to vent on your post. It's a tough spot to be in. I would just let the friendship expire by bringing in the grade level friends. I have seen this happen many times at middle school/jr high age, esp with girls. It seems to be the real turning point for the girls whether they are headed to be a good kid or a freaky kid. The fact you have an age difference makes it almost for sure this friendship won't survive this time period.

I tell my son - There are entrances and they are exits in life when talking about people. Doesn't mean anyone is a bad person.

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Anonymous
Joined Oct 31, 2014
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Posted:Aug 17, 2004 9:33:21 PM

I know I sound petty here, but I was really proud of my dd last night. She had Basketball tryouts and L. was trying out as well. My dd had a friend from her Volleyball team also there. They had to pair up in two's and my dd and her vball friend immediately(and happily) paired up together right from the get go. L. had another classmate there so it could have been a bad situation. I think L. was even a little 'disappointed' in the pair up. Too bad.

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Anonymous
Joined Oct 31, 2014
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Posted:Aug 18, 2004 11:33:31 AM

You should be proud. Your daughter is doing exactly what she should do. She is turning to other people for what she once would have turned to L. It isn't easy always for kids to do this. She will be OK. I agree with the other poster about importing kids too. You may have to work harder for awhile until she is able to move on.

And I agree about the ride thing too. I think it sets up expectations for your daughter which are being dashed since L has clearly decided to not be friends.

Beth

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Anonymous
Joined Oct 31, 2014
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Petty?? No way! Excellent on your daughter's part!! Great!

(from above "guest")

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