Behavior: Social Skills, Self Esteem

what to say (long)

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Joined: Jul 13, 2003
Posts: 18
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Posted Mar 20, 2005 at 6:56:03 PM
Subject: what to say (long)

I don't really know who to go to with this question, it is so far out of my experience. I have a 15 yo daughter, only child, who was dx'd ADD in first grade. She has always struggled in school, and as she got older the social life diminished to - well almost zero. I keep her involved by taking her to ballet classes, etc. Last summer was her first summer to stay home with very little structured activities (too old for camp, no $ for tutors) and she got hooked on chat rooms and from that phone calls to these online "friends". Before you go there, I bought a program that allows me to monitor her computer use, to the keystroke, and so far have had to get rid of one probable adult/predator type. The rest are kids like her. Here's my problem: overheard her with a boy on the phone, she talking sexy while he obviously masturbated. I feel like she is so desperate to have a social life she do just about anything. I feel sorry for her. I told her only that I heard what was going on and that showed little respect for herself, and also from the boy. Her response was "Well, my life sucks." I feel I should do more or say more, but I just don't know what else to do. Should I end the phone priviledges? I know curiosity about sex is normal, but this grossed me out. What is the opinion of any who read this, I'd like any discussion.

~My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.~

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Joined Feb 24, 2005
Posts: 87

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Posted:Mar 21, 2005 11:22:24 AM

I would probably talk to her about what might happen if she continues this conversation with this boy. My child learned a process in school where the child first asks questions to see if there would be any trouble in what they would be doing and then what the consequences would be, then child would need to see if they can change the mind of the other person to do something else so not to get into trouble,then if the other person still wants to continue child would leave situation ,but allow the other person to come to do whatever would not get them into trouble. Is your child old enought to be a camp counselor instead? Help out youngsters in a dance studio? That might get you through summer without summercamp. I am going over with my child about saying Hi and by to kids she knows. We have seen her not doing this and it does look rude when she doesn't say anything. She says she smiles which is good but not if the other person doesn't see her. Take care-

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Joined Jun 13, 2003
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Posted:Mar 21, 2005 12:10:05 PM

A very difficult question and one that is going to require more than a few internet chats. I hope you are pursuing other avenues to get help for your daughter. Is there anyone you *really* trust, school or church or family or older friend (yours or hers), who can counsel her?

On your question of intervening or not on phone privileges, try the approach of stepping back and looking at the problem from the pros and cons issues. What will happen if you do intervene? What will happen if you don't intervene? How will you and your daughter feel if you do? How will you feel if you don't? Intervening will lead to a conflict; not intervening will let her continue this self-destructive behaviour.

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Joined Mar 19, 2005
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Posted:Mar 21, 2005 4:22:59 PM

Those chat rooms are bad news, seriously. If I had a teenager, I would block all access to chat rooms.

Here is what I wonder with your daughter...

Have you spoken with her about the birds and the bees? In this day and age, 15 years old seems like more than an alright age to do that. You can obtain help in order to know how to approach this subject from your child's guidance counselor or from a good friend.


Age 15 is quite an age for a gal due to the fact that it is really the last year a gal has left before they have to look into finding a little summer job and what have you. Could your child do volunteer work? I am thinking candy striper or something along those lines because that is a form of volunteer work where there is more than fair supervision. Also, what kind of hobbies does your child have? There are fair little pen pal sites that are reputable that you can find on yahoo. And, since your child was caught doing something naughty due to innocence then maybe you can have her visit a school that is for young ladies who were caught doing naughty things where they went all the way. I am not saying that to be rude nor disrespectful to you in any way, I just think that sometimes a little scare can sometimes have a child straighten up some.

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Joined Jul 13, 2003
Posts: 18

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Posted:Mar 21, 2005 10:15:35 PM

Thanks to all who replied. I appreciate your thoughts.
This summer I will definitely be finding her a place to volunteer. We also hope to be moving, and although she mostly protests the idea, she likes the idea of getting a chance to start over somewhere new. (I planted that idea.) She's lived here all her life, and it hurts that all those childhood friends have matured beyond her level and now don't give her the time of day.
I am talking to a school counselor. I am not comfortable talking with family about this. They live far away, and altho' I love them and talk regularly w/them, I don't want them to know how difficult my sweet girl has become. (She is a sweetie to them.)

~My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.~

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