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shaz71
Joined Jul 20, 2009
Posts: 12
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Posted:
Nov 06, 2009 8:59:36 PM
Hi Saoz thank you for that. I have been on the parenting course it is a webster stratton course and works on play and positive, i do play with her but i had gotten into the negative cycle and picked up on negative behaviours. Melissa as responded well to positive praise and works fairly well. Although she still is fairly naughty but a lot of it is down to not listening, understanding, but it has brought us closer which i am grateful for.
Mandi yes i know when parents split up it can affect their behaviour and that some kids do act out. But Melissas behaviour to be honest started when she was around 18mths, the hyperness started, then the lack of communication, no babbling, pointing or waving greetings, so it isn't something to do with us splitting up. And she does act out at school just not mega bad, she does attention seeking behaviours, immature, touchy feely, very energetic, impulsive. So it isn't just at home, but i think a lot of it is to do with routine and consistency which with 4 children and working and running the full caboodle even when her dad was at home as he was a lazy good for nothing, who left everything to me, and her baby sister with severe reflux getting up 40 odd times a night no joking every 10mins screaming for the first 1yr of her life before medicated and then she stopped breathing twice, not good, so it all took its toll and because Melissa was already behind in speech and language it took a mega affect on her school work and behaviour, if they listened to me and took me seriously this would have been dealt with and they could have put procedures in place at school to help her. I am now learning to get into a routine as she does like routines and be more consistant in her punishment and positive praise. Sharon x
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Mandi
Joined May 05, 2008
Posts: 425
Location:From Boston MA Presently in Brandon MB
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Posted:
Nov 09, 2009 3:09:43 PM
Ok, the hyperness would worry me not at all. babies are hyper. That is just part of parenting. But at that age.... no pointing waving speach or babbling... that would be a clear sign something is wrong.
Kids are supposed to be energetic and impulsive and immature that is why we call them KIDS instead of adults! And attention seeking behavior indicates she needs attention she isn't receiving in some way or perhaps from you??? Or her father??? We don't simply call them kids because they are vertically challenged.... As for touchy feely, i am going to bet that has been developing with the split up. It stands to reason since it is a sign that she is having attachment issues which makes perfectly good sense when her parents are splitting up or just split up. Let me explain hyper in children and also impulsive in children. They are physically designed to be that way. Everyone who knows how the brain is constructed knows, the frontal lobe in children is not fully developed therefore no child is able to self edit like an adult can. That comes with the slow progressive developing of the frontal lobs. So if your child is impulsive and hyper congrats you have a healthy kid! You simply have a kid. That region of the brain isn't done developing till the mid 20s. Different peoples brains develop in different ways at somewhat different rates.
maybe some help at school would be good, can i ask is your home bilingual? Because if so the speech issues you perceived as a baby may not qualify as a delay. It is common in bilingual and multilingual households for babies to speak fairly late. Usually too when they do they speak some in both languages.
the problem is it is really hard to be a single mother with 2 children would be nice if they were all grown up you have so much work to do all single mothers do it is unbelievably difficult.Schools, are machines, not institutions of learning. there is no real room in their constuction as a system for the children they are designed to educate.
On a slightly other topic.... I have made a rule in my home for when we have children here. I think every parent would be wise to adopt it.
children need time to be children and our society has been stripping that away from them far too much far too long. So... I have decided when i have children in my home, that in highschool i will have a daily 2 hour max for homework. And that means time my child is actually working on homework. Timer stops for every break. Should my child receive more than 2 hours of homework her teacher will get a nasty note from me. The principal will receive a complaint about over load and my child will receive a note of polite apology and a request by me to the teacher for an extension as in my home we do homework 2 hours a night only and that is our rule. That means if my child at 16 has 6 classes a day, total for that day she is responsible for 2 hours of homework to give someone under the age of 18 more homework than that seems to me to be.... not teaching but torturing and abusing and denying my child their childhood. i would encourage parents for the health and well being of their children to adopt such a policy.
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saoz
Joined Sep 24, 2009
Posts: 9
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Posted:
Nov 10, 2009 11:17:35 PM
Hi Shaz.Has your daughter been formally assessed? If not it is important that she is assessed formally. With a proper diagonsis she can get the support to help her. Children with a learning disability can have problems with social skills.Her behaviour in school may also have to do with her inability to do well academically. She may be lacking in social skills and these need to be addressed and taught. Children with social skill deficits do not know what they are doing wrong when enteracting in a social situation. If a child is acting in appropriately we can 1. Ask her to explain what happened. 2. Ask her to identify the mistake. 3. Assist her in identifying what she did wrong because she probably will not know. 4.Explain to her that she should not do this and then explain to her how she should have behaved. Social errors are not intentional. Positive feedback changes behaviour, negative feedback only stops behaviour temporarily. Children with learning disabilities have average to above average intelligence and they can learn with the proper support, assistance and positive feedback. They do not need to be discouraged by negative feedback. They are already struggling with low self-esteem issues because they can see that they are a bit different from their classmates. I think that we get all wrapped up in how we feel and forget that our child is also suffering and does not know how to help themselves.
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shaz71
Joined Jul 20, 2009
Posts: 12
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Posted:
Nov 20, 2009 9:49:30 AM
Hi saoz no she hasn't been assessed, she has been seen by a speech therapist who puts her two years behind in receptive and expressive speech, so is still under a speech therapist. Well things have changed a little at school, went to parents evening and they now realise there is a problem she is on the SEN register but also now as and iep with 5 targets on it, a small group of them are taken out of class as they can't be taught with them as it will confuse them as they are that far behind their peers, she even goes out with just herself and another boy to play on the computer she says. I spoke to the senco who was really nice and i said i was concerned she may be dyslexic, they said they don't test for dyslexia but can check for irlens, which is the colour dyslexia, but he is going to check her pen/pencil grip as i said she complains after holding the pencil for a while, she struggles with fine motor skills also.
Mandi thanks for your reply, i know some children crave for attention but she gets a lot of attention from me, but she wants more. The hyperness can be related to learning difficulties/disabilities also. Amount of people have asked if she has adhd, she is more abnormally hyer not just a little, can't sit still fidgets even when doing school work, her attention span is very short. I do agree with you about kids being kids and parenting issues are more important to me i do lots for my kids and anyone can't believe why i am on the parenting course as a lot of it is to do with parents that aren't bothered and swear/curse at their children and threaten and abuse them, i am the opposite i take them for picnics, bake ok i picked the negative behaviour out but so do a lot of others it doesn't make their kids hyper, but Melissa as liked the positive approach and i must admit i do, so that is one thing i have picked up from teh parenting course.
Melissa is getting a little better socially she loves to be around other kids it is new situations even if some kids are there who she knows she doesn't like, but if i warn her enough she is a little better in them situations but she still needs me for encouragement to go with them, this is when she hits me also but i realise it is the extreme anxiety that causes her to hit out, although i know it is wrong and do punish her for it but i know what causes her to do it, which the people who run the parenting class are impressed with, knowing why a child is acting the way they are is a good sign, see before i started analyzing Melissa as the psychologist put it i was always putting her on naughty step, bed and it was a continuous thing all day everyday, but it didn't sort her behaviour out, but then when i thought maybe something is wrong and the more i looked the more i realised what were causing her behaviours and finding coping mechanisms, ie in middle of winter she wanted to wear a summer skirt with flimsy shoes, the screaming tantrums i dealt with. Now i put alll summer shoes skirts, tops etc away so she only has choice of winter clothes, also socks she just wears tights or nothing as socks make her tantrum due to the lines in them, tights don't fall down so much so don't make lines. Walking to school, she now rides her bike it is so lovely not to have tantrums, which then stressed me out for the day. She is also getting a little better with the homework, so gettting there slowly and i think it is to do with the positive praise. But it won't help with the learning disability, she has a star chart at school as well to help her and golden time and stickers which is what i do at home as well as positive praise it does help. Thanks again. Sharon x
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Mandi
Joined May 05, 2008
Posts: 425
Location:From Boston MA Presently in Brandon MB
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Posted:
Nov 21, 2009 8:34:42 PM
hmm sounds like you are handling stuff better good. Sounds like your child likes the new aproach too. Also great. You seem to be seeing some improvement. I am really happy for you, but more importantly for your daughter who as a result is likely suffering less ickiness then she was before.
The reason i say that is because i tend to believe 50% of the issues related to ld in children roughly speaking anyway really are symptoms of something is actually wrong with them. I think though that what is really wrong gets exasterbated quite frequently by the chemicals forced down their throats and the treatments that can be quite cruel or dehumaizing or just somehow personality numbing methods. In which case who wouldn't rebel and i think a large percentage of the symptoms are also just that the rebellion against the poor methods we have of dealing with many forms of LD.
As for being asked by people if she has ADHD, i see a kid every day on the side of the road different kid each time jumping out of it's skin hyper as anything and i just think my god what is wrong with this kid? Does it have ADHD? The fact is, this is a completely subjective diagnosis. There is exactly 0 physical evidence that has ever been supplied and not refuted for this disorder. Next point of contention i have is your statement "so gettting there slowly and i think it is to do with the positive praise. But it won't help with the learning disability," Actually NIMH studies are showing behavior modification therapies and parenting styles are as effective and in many cases if not all more effective in the long term than medications. So that statement, though you might believe it if your child in point of fact is ADHD as you think she is, is completely incorrect. There is nothing in your childs DNA sequence nor in your child's brain they can conclusively point to in the case of ADHD that is in any way shape or form distinguishable from that of a normal brain. And that is a fact. You can disagree with that fact all you like.... So let me offer you another example of fact verses fiction to help you understand what i am trying to say.
I am an archaeology student. So a great one for me to point to as an analogy for denying the facts of physical reality is the issue of creationism and evolution. There are some who want to believe it is a debate and that their side is correct and that the other side is wrong. Here is a fact, we have endless physical proof dug up from in the ground that proves that humans and everything else evolved. Evolution is not the theory of how it all began that is the big bang. Evolution is solely about how we all developed. So if someone wants to think God set the universe in motion and used evolution as the mechanism for human development i can't prove they are wrong. But if they want to deny that evolution happened altogether i can always whack them in the head with a homo erectus femur and ask them "Oh really, you sure???" Creationism wants to think itself science but it isn't because they can't prove anything in a physical sense. Evolution can prove in physical reality that evolution happened. So it really isn't a debate.
The analogy is to help you to understand believing in ADHD is the equivalent of being a creationist. Having blind faith in something that lacks all physically measurable evidence. As a humanities student that uses science constantly as the method i use to study what we find from the past, it is impossible for me anyway to believe in something with no physical and physically measurable proof of it. If you don't have this problem that i do great for you. Just understand, ADHD like creationism lacks the physical proof necesary to make it a legitimate scientific diagnosis so it is simply a subjective diagnosis. Just as creationism is a subjective belief. Why not believe the irish Dagda created everything or the egyptian god Osiris??? Or the greek god Zeus... You see? Totally a subjective belief. But the physical reality is the physical reality and there is just no way around that hard fact.
So if you wish to believe that is up to you. I just wanted to show this to you in an analogy that may make you stop and think hard about some of what you are saying.
I wish you and your child all the best and hope things continue to get better as i suspect they will on account of the phuysical reality of as we age our brains develop, which means hers has been developing too in a way indistinguishable from that of a normal brain.
But anyway good luck.
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