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Parenting a Child with LD or ADHD

anyone with NVLD diagnosis?


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Joined: Nov 03, 2005
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Posted Mar 04, 2002 at 11:40:23 PM
Subject: anyone with NVLD diagnosis?

My 7 year old dd has NVLD. It was diagnosed about a month ago. I am having the most trouble knowing how to disipline--time outs have never worked (know we know why) and she gets very upset and angry and I am unable to talk to her about the behavior. Together we made a list of things that she needs to do in the AM to get ready for school--the next day she crumpled it up and said she would not use it. It is either the list or I have to keep her on track which seems to stress her out.
Anyway, I am feeling a bit frustrated and I keep reading info and feeling like she is nothing like what I am reading--I do not know what to do next.
Any help would be greatly appreciated. She has a 30 point discrepincy (sp?) between VIQ and PIQ. Thank you.

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Anonymous
Joined Oct 24, 2014
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Posted:Mar 05, 2002 2:50:15 AM

Strong willed children? Sounds like you have a power struggle on your hands that is going nowhere. Sometimes kiddo's have a hard time compromising but one has to figure out a way to get them to listen to reason without having WWIII. Can she handle the consequences of non-compliance and choices that she makes? What happens when that occurs? Does it get worse? How has she survived so far? What motivates her? Will she work for some stickers or a special treat?

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Anonymous
Joined Oct 24, 2014
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Posted:Mar 05, 2002 5:13:58 AM

One of the techiniques I have heard of the seems to work well with the lists is to limit it to one or two things at a time in the beginning.When those are finished, you add the next thing etc. When it seems like she can handle that much without coaching then you increase the amount of tasks on the list by one- until eventually she had the whole thing. What you are doing is training her to get through the list without seeing it as an insurmountable task. The other piece to this that is helpful for NLD kiddoes is to provide a strong verbal component to all tasks- walk through the task as a script that she can recite as she goes. None of this will happen overnight- I don't think- you are beginning a process that will allow her to be more in control.

Robin

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Anonymous
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Posted:Mar 05, 2002 8:20:39 AM

I have found it helpful for my NLD kid to have input into how the job gets done. I will tell him what is expected, ie getting ready for school, and ask him how to best complete the task. It may not be the way I think it should be done but it gets done. It also takes some of the stress away when he feels he has some measure of control. NLD kids from my experience feel out of control most of the time so giving them control where you can may help.

Jean

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Anonymous
Joined Oct 24, 2014
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Posted:Mar 05, 2002 9:01:28 AM

I'm going through the same thing. My 10 year old was just diagnosed last week! Although he fits the profiles for nvld in some ways he doesn't in other ways. It's very confusing. I wonder if I'm in denial? I'm going to Barnes and Noble today to look for some books I found on the internet last night. If you haven't found them already, check out the web pages devoted to nvld. Nld.com is a good one. The best thing that works with my kid has always been to get him on board. It seems like if I talk to him as an adult and lay out the problem, he feels more in control and cooperative of the solution. I think because they are so highly verbal, they just need to talk it out. The less dictatorial I am, the more he responds positively. I wish I had more to offer but I'm new to this myself! Good luck, at least you got an early diagnosis.

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Anonymous
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Posted:Mar 05, 2002 9:10:12 AM

oops the name of the web page I was recommending was NLDline.com not Nld.com . sorry

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Anonymous
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Posted:Mar 05, 2002 9:10:18 AM

oops the name of the web page I was recommending was NLDline.com not Nld.com . sorry

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Anonymous
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Posted:Mar 05, 2002 11:10:11 AM

Hi CD,

The very best book I've read on handling kids like yours is called, "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. His methods are proven winners.

As far as reading books about NVLD's, I like LinguiSystems "The Source for Nonverbal Learning Disorders".It's very comprehensive, easy to understand, and will really help you. It's got long sections on home life and also on school life. It's good to know what to expect of your child's teachers.

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Anonymous
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Posted:Mar 05, 2002 12:32:43 PM

I agree with JGR. "The Explosive Child" is a wonderful book and it works on the basis of the fact that this behavior is not intentional. These are good kids to get overwhelmed much quicker than the average kid and it snowballs from there leading to complete meltdown. They therefore require a different method for dealing with things. Many experts will tell you that their behavior is intentional (pushing your buttons) and will go for the behavior modification approach. Dr. Greene's approach teaches you how to pick your battles, prioritize them and work with them according to which "basket" they fall into and its done with a loving hand not the "it's my way or the highway approach." My son has the same struggles and this has worked well for us. Things are a lot calmer at home. Check out www.explosivekids.com. Good Luck!

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Anonymous
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Posted:Mar 05, 2002 10:09:28 PM

I have an NLD 11 year old. While for the most part, he is a pretty easy kid for me to deal with, I think that is largely because I kind of instinctively learned the best ways for dealing with him WAY before we learned about NLD. I think I learned out of self defense.<g>

I clearly remember the struggle of helping him learn routines for getting ready for school, going to bed, etc. He still cannot remember a NEW sequence of multi-step instructions. The good news is that he HAS learned ones that used to drive me nuts.

For years it drove me crazy that I could send him into the shower, and come back a half hour later to tell him to get out (he wouldn't think of getting out by himself!<g>) only to find that he STILL hadn't touched the bar of soap to his body!!! But although I hated it, I also somehow realized that this wasn't a "wouldn't" situation, it was a "couldn't". So I stood outside the door and said, "OK, soap up. Now rinse off. Are you done rinsing? Good, now shampoo your hair. Rinse that off. Turn off the water..."

It's frustrating, but that's what a lot of NLD kids need to learn a routine. Over facing them with too many steps at once can lead to a melt down in some NLD kids, mine just "ceases to function", like a computer with a too-slow CPU.(which then leads to ME melting down<g>) The good news is that if you are patient enough, and repeat it enough times they DO internalize these routines eventually. My son even gets out of the shower without reminding now... and BEFORE the hot water runs out ;-)

As far as time-outs are concerned, we use them a little differently in our house than some families do. They are not used as a "punishment" or even a "consequence". They are simply a place for people to go to get themselves calmed down. When the kids were younger, and really trying my patience, on more than one occassion, I told them that _I_ was going to my room for a time out because I didn't want to yell at them.<g> We have no set time on time outs. They are told that as soon as they have gotten themselves under control, they are welcome to come back down stairs to discuss the situation with us.

Like you, we have found it absolutely useless to try to discuss a problem with our NLD son (or the other one either for that matter) while they are upset and emotional. So we just won't do it. We simply tell them they must remain in their room until they are settled down enough that we can discuss it.

At that point we decide what the consequences for an action will be, if any. Quite honestly, our NLD son almost never willfully disobeys. So there are few times that a "punishment" is in order. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't need to put something right when he has caused damage or hurt, even if he didn't mean to. If he has damaged something, we talk about what happened, why, and what he might have done differently. Then he either fixes or has to help pay for whatever the damage is. The same sort of process goes on if he has hurt someone's feelings. Once out of the heat of the moment, he is usually willing to listen to what his mistake was, and is usually quite willing to accept responsibility for his actions.

Don't know if this helps, but thought it might be useful to see how things work in our family.

Karen

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Anonymous
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Posted:Mar 08, 2002 8:20:08 AM

While we don't yet have an NVLD diag., we have behavior that fits the pattern to a "T". Consequences and "time outs" never worked. We have found that a firm but GENTLE approach with consistant guidelines and LOTS of praise for getting things done on time or correctly or *at all* works best. In other words, WE have changed our behavior. We no longer REACT, we "thoughtfully respond" , if we respond at all, and he has made almost a complete turn around. Yes there is the occasional issue but there are VERY few battles and the dreaded "melt down" which was almost a daily occurance is almost a thing of the past. IT WAS NOT EASY- we had to think about everything we said or did but we are so happy with the results. How did we learn this? Not from our very expensive psych but from a most wonderful TEACHER! We are so blessed.

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Anonymous
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Posted:Mar 08, 2002 4:28:16 PM

I think you nailed it. "Behavior modification" for NLD kids is mostly modifying OUR behavior and expectations to allow them to succeed. In general, NLD kids are extremely rule driven, perfectionistic and really want to do the right thing. It is extreme frustration, and misunderstanding based on their very literal interpretations that lead to melt downs.

Karen

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