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Behavior: Social Skills, Self Esteem

NLD-saying inappropriate things


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Joined: Nov 03, 2005
Posts: 69140
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Posted Mar 14, 2001 at 12:00:01 AM
Subject: NLD-saying inappropriate things

My son was diagnosed NLD and in my many hours of research I have found references to one characteristic that I don't understand.It says NLD people in social situations say inappropriate things and I have not noticed my son doing this and the books I read give no examples. So I can't understand what they are referring to? Can anyone enlighten me?Tracy

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Anonymous
Joined Sep 02, 2014
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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

Dear Tracy,I think you're referring to what Byron Rourke characterizes as the inability to shift gears in social situations. For example, let's say you taught your son to shake hands and say "How do you do?" when meeting an adult. A child with NLD would go up to a peer, and in total seriousness would shake hands and say "How do you do?" It's not that the comment itself is inappropriate, but rather that it is used inappropriately in context.Another possibility is blurting because the child with NLD is unaware of social propriety. For example, your child might go up to an overweight individual, and say "Being fat is really bad for you, and it makes you look ugly too." There may be no malice behind the statement, but it is inappropriate socially, and there will be peer retaliation.You've probably already found the main NLD sites, but if you haven't, go to http://www.nldline.com or http://www.nldontheweb.org for more information.By the way, be aware that every person with NLD has his/her own profile. It's possible that your son doesn't have this characteristic of NLD.Debbie M.

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Anonymous
Joined Sep 02, 2014
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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

DebbieThank you for your explaination.I haven't noticed this in my son's behaviour yet however he is 7.You helped make it easier to understand by giving me examples.Tracy: Dear Tracy,: I think you're referring to what Byron Rourke characterizes as the
: inability to shift gears in social situations. For example, let's
: say you taught your son to shake hands and say "How do you
: do?" when meeting an adult. A child with NLD would go up to a
: peer, and in total seriousness would shake hands and say "How
: do you do?" It's not that the comment itself is
: inappropriate, but rather that it is used inappropriately in
: context.: Another possibility is blurting because the child with NLD is unaware
: of social propriety. For example, your child might go up to an
: overweight individual, and say "Being fat is really bad for
: you, and it makes you look ugly too." There may be no malice
: behind the statement, but it is inappropriate socially, and there
: will be peer retaliation.: You've probably already found the main NLD sites, but if you haven't,
: go to http://www.nldline.com or http://www.nldontheweb.org for
: more information.: By the way, be aware that every person with NLD has his/her own
: profile. It's possible that your son doesn't have this
: characteristic of NLD.: Debbie M.

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Anonymous
Joined Sep 02, 2014
Posts: 69140

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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

: Thank you for your explaination.I haven't noticed this in my son's
: behaviour yet however he is 7.You helped make it easier to
: understand by giving me examples.I think that at 7, so many "normal" kids say "inappropriate" things that many NLD kids don't stick out much yet. It wasn't until my son was 9 that I heard from teachers that he was being "wise" or "rude" in class. Once we had a dx of NLD, and could examine the things he said in that context, it became clear both to us and the better teachers that a lot of his "wise" comments were, in truth, a lack of understanding based on his very literal interpretation of what was said to him.The same is also true when he may seem to be doing something defiant. He is NOT a defiant kid. We have learned to think carefully about the instructions he was given, and how he might have misinterpreted them when he seems to be "purposely" not following direction. If he is confused, he will hesitate, and you'll know he's got a problem. But if he THINKS he understands the instructions but has it wrong, he will forge ahead with a determination that is very easy to believe is stubborn pigheadedness if you don't understand how his brain works.This, in particular, can lead to serious misunderstandings at school when you have teachers who are used to a certain amount of wilful disobedience among students. It can take some teaching and an open attitude on their part to get to the point that they realize that your NLD child is incredibly and naively honest. If he does something wrong, you have to start from the premise that he didn't understand, and work from there. That's a BIG leap for a lot of teachers.Karen

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Anonymous
Joined Sep 02, 2014
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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

I've just started to realize that my son does say inappropriate things and he's 8.5. I notice that when he's with friends, and even family, he often shares information, rather than really talking one on one with someone. Now if the subject is of a sensitive nature, hardly anything he could say would be totally accurate, and most likely not appropriate. So now I get nervous when those type of topics come up. He's getting to an age where he really should know better. He does ask a lot of questions, but it's in more of a gathering information mode, rarely in a conversational mode.Fortunately, he is a great kid who is funny, smart etc., but now that I really pay attention, I do see issues with his communication style. I haven't really tried to address it with him because again, I'm just really trying to understand and notice what he's doing that works, and what could be improved. Also, I wouldn't really know how to address it at this point. I really believe in not harping on every little thing a kid says and does.The most interesting time to really listen to the differences in childrens interactions for me has been in the car with a friend, and in cub scout meetings.

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Anonymous
Joined Sep 02, 2014
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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

: I've just started to realize that my son does say inappropriate
: things and he's 8.5. I notice that when he's with friends, and
: even family, he often shares information, rather than really
: talking one on one with someone. Now if the subject is of a
: sensitive nature, hardly anything he could say would be totally
: accurate, and most likely not appropriate. So now I get nervous
: when those type of topics come up. He's getting to an age where he
: really should know better. He does ask a lot of questions, but
: it's in more of a gathering information mode, rarely in a
: conversational mode.Remember that an NLD child who is not talking and asking questions is not learning. It is VERY important not to shut down that learning process. On the other hand, he will NOT pick up on non-verbal cues that certain subjects are not appropriate under certain situations. It is up to you and the other caring adults in his life to gently, and repeatedly take him aside and TELL him when his behavior is inappropriate and give him an alternative method of handling the situation. He will NOT learn from watching others model better behavior. He needs to be taught by rote, step by step, and over and over.: Fortunately, he is a great kid who is funny, smart etc., but now that
: I really pay attention, I do see issues with his communication
: style. I haven't really tried to address it with him because
: again, I'm just really trying to understand and notice what he's
: doing that works, and what could be improved. Also, I wouldn't
: really know how to address it at this point. I really believe in
: not harping on every little thing a kid says and does.: The most interesting time to really listen to the differences in
: childrens interactions for me has been in the car with a friend,
: and in cub scout meetings.That is a good time to hear what's going on. We have found that a pragmatics group at school, where they practice rote role playing of social skills in a small group (2-3 kids with the psychologist) is helpful for learning these skills in a non-threatening setting.Remember though, that while you are right, you don't want to "harp" on things, the sooner you get on top of these problems, the better. The closer kids get to middle school age, the less tolerant they are of the children who don't pick up on social cues easily. It's SO easy for these kids to become targets. Let him learn to look to you as an ally in learning to handle social situations. Don't criticize what he does, but verbally point out other ways he could handle a situation.Karen

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Anonymous
Joined Sep 02, 2014
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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

karen,excellent advice. You are right that a critical time for him socially will be in middle school, and that those years will be so much more positive if he learns all he can now about socialization and looks to me for support rather than criticizm. I have had to first come out of denial and really see whats actually going on. Thanks for your advice.

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Anonymous
Joined Sep 02, 2014
Posts: 69140

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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

: I think that at 7, so many "normal" kids say
: "inappropriate" things that many NLD kids don't stick that he was being "wise" or "rude" in
: class. Once we had a dx of NLD, and could examine the things he
: said in that context, it became clear both to us and the better
: teachers that a lot of his "wise" comments were, in
: truth, a lack of understanding based on his very literal
: interpretation of what was said to him.: The same is also true when he may seem to be doing something defiant.
: He is NOT a defiant kid. We have learned to think carefully about
: the instructions he was given, and how he might have
: misinterpreted them when he seems to be "purposely" not
: following direction. If he is confused, he will hesitate, and
: you'll know he's got a problem. But if he THINKS he understands
: the instructions but has it wrong, he will forge ahead with a
: determination that is very easy to believe is stubborn
: pigheadedness if you don't understand how his brain works.: This, in particular, can lead to serious misunderstandings at school
: when you have teachers who are used to a certain amount of wilful
: disobedience among students. It can take some teaching and an open
: attitude on their part to get to the point that they realize that
: your NLD child is incredibly and naively honest. If he does
: something wrong, you have to start from the premise that he didn't
: understand, and work from there. That's a BIG leap for a lot of
: teachers.: Karen

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Anonymous
Joined Sep 02, 2014
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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

I have a son who was quoted by a teacher as behaving inappropriately in class. He was in a gifted class and she also said his comments were inappropriate. He was recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome which explains much of his behavior. He is 9 years old and am concerned when he gets older.

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Anonymous
Joined Sep 02, 2014
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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

: karen,: excellent advice. You are right that a critical time for him socially
: will be in middle school, and that those years will be so much
: more positive if he learns all he can now about socialization and
: looks to me for support rather than criticizm. I have had to first
: come out of denial and really see whats actually going on. Thanks
: for your advice. My son is 10 years old. We are not sure that he has NLD but it seems very likely. All of the above messages sound all too familar. My son fell from a second floor balcony when he was 19 months old. At the time we felt very lucky that he only fratured his wrist. Now 9 years later that terrible day is coming back to haunt me. I turned my back to put away laundry. He never suffered a concusion or other head injury symptoms. Right now I am just asking for support and to know that my son who is very bright will be able to have a happy and "normal " life. He is already suffering from a lack of self esteem and depression. Any advice will be appreciated. thanks Marie

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Anonymous
Joined Sep 02, 2014
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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

Marie,My son was dropped on the hard hospital floor right as he was being delivered. He landed not in the physicians hands, but on the floor. I suspect that this is related. I feel guilty that I pushed too hard. The truth of the matter is though that we will never know what caused his disability. I guess what counts is getting real and doing all we can to be understanding, supportive and getting him all the extra help that he needs. This is part of life, and how we react to it is all we can control. I think that I have seen my sons self esteem improve once I came out of denial, and was more understanding of some behaviors. I'm not as tough on him, and I just try to relate to him more and talk about his feelings, and have a close relationship with him so that when things do get tough, he knows I'm there for him in any way. I can chose to use this experience to make myself a better parent, or I can chose to get looked up in guilt and regret. I hope this helps.

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Anonymous
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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

We have a 10 year old adopted daughter who is fetal alcohol effected, ADHD, dx'd with an adjustment disorder, and recently dx'd with NLD. Let me give you a couple of examples of NLD-related social blunders--last year, in 3rd grade, the class was discussing flowers, and the teacher asked each child to name a favorite flower of someone in his/her family. Unfortunatly, the year before, one boys mother was killed in a car accident shortly before Christmas, and when it was his turn, he said "My mothers favorite flower was roses." Our daughter blurts out very loudly "HOW COULD SHE??? SHE'S DEAD!" The little boy immediately broke down in tears with his head in his arms on his desk.....Honest to the point of------On another occasion, we were eating at a fast food restaurant Sunday noon, the place was packed with all the church goers coming in for dinner...Lacie asked to use the restroom, I let her go on her own, mostly because we were seated near the restroom door.....When she came back, she sat down, and within a minute or two, she began squirming around in her chair and looking distressed.... I asked her to sit still, and continue eating. When she again began to squirm, and I opened my mouth to find out what was wrong???----she immediately stood up, and in a VERY LOUD VOICE---said "MOM! I THINK I HAVE A BIG WAD OF TOILET PAPER STUCK IN MY CRACK!!!" The restaurant immediately became QUIET.......I wanted to hide under my chair, since everyone was looking at us!!! We laugh about it now, but at the time, it wasn't so funny.... We have not had the best of luck in getting the school to work with our daughter on social skills either. IF anyone has any helpful advice, please feel free to share it with us. Thanks!

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Anonymous
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Posted:Mar 22, 2001 9:54:09 AM

My 9 year old daughter has many isuues including social. Stanley Greenspan wrote "Playground Politics". This will help you help your child with self esteem.
This book is widely known amongst psychologist and Stanley Greenspan is highly respected among his peers. Best Wishes, sharon G

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