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Behavior: Social Skills, Self Esteem

12-year-old girl getting picked on


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Joined: Nov 03, 2005
Posts: 69140
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Posted Mar 14, 2001 at 12:00:01 AM
Subject: 12-year-old girl getting picked on

PASSWORD>aaHR6KpMlySRoI just had a meeting with my 12-year-old, 7th-grade daughter's teachers to review her 504 plan,and her math teacher said she's constantly picked on by a group of boys in his class. My daughter has dyslexia and real problems reading/writing, but she's a whiz at math. She also has problems making friends, and is often playing/eating lunch by herself, according to the teachers. The boys who do the "picking" are popular, although apparently not very nice -- the teacher even called them "punks." The problem is that my daughter desperately wants to be popular, and with puberty coming on, she's becoming very interested in boys. She's also fairly pretty -- but she's very sensitive about the teasing these kids do. She's come home in tears several times in the past weeks, talking about what the boys say about her. I asked the teachers to do whatever they can about the problem, and they said they would. A friend who knows these boys well says I should call their parents and talk the situation over -- but I don't see why I should have to call perfect strangers and beg them to make their kids stop tormenting mine. I should add that my daughter also has a slight speech impediment, which the boys imitate to the great hilarity of their classmates. Any suggestions or thoughts?

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Anonymous
Joined Aug 01, 2014
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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

What you describe is harrassment. The teacher should not only actively tell the boys to stop, she should call home and inform the parents of the boys that it is a problem and must cease or the matter will be reported to the appropriate admin level (assist. principal at my school, guidance office in others). Then, she should follow through. One of the problems at this age is that the kids do not see a problem ("Just teasing") and often see no consequences FOR THEM.At my school, every student is given a Student Rights and Responsibility packet, attends assemblies about their rights and responsibilities, has classroom instruction on this, and is required to sign a statement that they will abide by the school rules. Parents are also required to sign that they have seen and read the packet. I routinely write up students who cannot follow the rules. Usually, it takes only one time serving the punishment (one day in AIA- in school suspension) and I have no more difficulty. You'd be surprised how quickly they shape up in the hallway when they see me coming, too.Oddly enough, the students like my "no nonsense" approach. When my schedule was changed so I could add a small self-contained class (took me out of a teamed-inclusion class), I had more students than I could accommodate asking to be placed with me. Many of these students were the very ones I had written up for SR&R violations. I think students appreciate and respect limits and guidelines at the intermediate level, even while saying they want more freedom.Do not allow this situation to continue. If necessary, complain to the principal and the guidance office and request intervention. No child should have to endure harrassment.Good luck.Kay Smith

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Anonymous
Joined Aug 01, 2014
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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

: Calling other parents is sometimes done. Depends on the situation and your comfort level with it. do you know these parents? Will they care?The other question I'd ask is just what the teachers have done about this situation? They see this happening? Are they speaking to these students they deem "punks"? I don't think much of the tactic of labeling a student a punk and then not helping them to be less of a punk.If these were my students, I'd be making them feel bad and if they were too old to feel bad, I'd be scaring them. But before all that, I'd be explaining to them how disappointed I was in their lack of sensivity to your daughter's needs.Kids do these things but the adults who supervise them should be letting them know they shouldn't.just had a meeting with my 12-year-old, 7th-grade daughter's
: teachers to review her 504 plan,and her math teacher said she's
: constantly picked on by a group of boys in his class. My daughter
: has dyslexia and real problems reading/writing, but she's a whiz
: at math. She also has problems making friends, and is often
: playing/eating lunch by herself, according to the teachers. The
: boys who do the "picking" are popular, although
: apparently not very nice -- the teacher even called them
: "punks." The problem is that my daughter desperately
: wants to be popular, and with puberty coming on, she's becoming
: very interested in boys. She's also fairly pretty -- but she's
: very sensitive about the teasing these kids do. She's come home in
: tears several times in the past weeks, talking about what the boys
: say about her. I asked the teachers to do whatever they can about
: the problem, and they said they would. A friend who knows these
: boys well says I should call their parents and talk the situation
: over -- but I don't see why I should have to call perfect
: strangers and beg them to make their kids stop tormenting mine. I
: should add that my daughter also has a slight speech impediment,
: which the boys imitate to the great hilarity of their classmates.
: Any suggestions or thoughts?

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Anonymous
Joined Aug 01, 2014
Posts: 69140

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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

: It's difficult to change the behaviour of only one or two "punks" who are bullying (because this is not teasing behaviour...it's aggressive behaviour with a negative intent where there is a power difference (even boy to girl can be a power difference, and certainly students who luckily learn the way schools traditionally teach have a power difference over the kids requiring other strategies.) So..the school or at least the teacher would be well advised to take this on as a whole school or whole class. Because most kids (60%) are not either bullied or victimized, educating all kids means that the "silent majority" can suddengly become advocates for victims, and peer pressure to the bullies. In Canada there is a wonderful video called Bully B'ware which is simple enough for even grade five and sixes, but was really aimed at junior and senior high. It's about 15 minutes and generates lots of discussion...this week even "Yikes, I didn't know I was being a bully until I saw that!" Good luck!

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Anonymous
Joined Aug 01, 2014
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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

PASSWORD>aaypjoGdHk2QkSince it is a group of boys who are bothering your daughter, your school should have a Chapter 11 officer (I think, it's *11*) who is a watchdog under federal guidelines to prevent sexual harassment. In my district, if a parent even mentions a Chapter 11 lawsuit, the school bends over backwards to make sure that the situation is taken care of immediately because the school can be sued as well as the parents of the boys. Good luck!: I just had a meeting with my 12-year-old, 7th-grade daughter's
: teachers to review her 504 plan,and her math teacher said she's
: constantly picked on by a group of boys in his class. My daughter
: has dyslexia and real problems reading/writing, but she's a whiz
: at math. She also has problems making friends, and is often
: playing/eating lunch by herself, according to the teachers. The
: boys who do the "picking" are popular, although
: apparently not very nice -- the teacher even called them
: "punks." The problem is that my daughter desperately
: wants to be popular, and with puberty coming on, she's becoming
: very interested in boys. She's also fairly pretty -- but she's
: very sensitive about the teasing these kids do. She's come home in
: tears several times in the past weeks, talking about what the boys
: say about her. I asked the teachers to do whatever they can about
: the problem, and they said they would. A friend who knows these
: boys well says I should call their parents and talk the situation
: over -- but I don't see why I should have to call perfect
: strangers and beg them to make their kids stop tormenting mine. I
: should add that my daughter also has a slight speech impediment,
: which the boys imitate to the great hilarity of their classmates.
: Any suggestions or thoughts?

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Anonymous
Joined Aug 01, 2014
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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

I am very interested in this video Bully B'ware. I was just talking to my principal about a bully and happened to mention that I heard about this video. Can anyone help me get a copy?

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Anonymous
Joined Aug 01, 2014
Posts: 69140

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Posted:Mar 14, 2001 12:00:01 AM

PASSWORD>aa2OIgRRstXe2I also have a twelve year old daughter in the 7th grade and although she does not have any learning disabilities, she has suffered from some of the same sort of treatment from the boys in one of her classes. I tried first to talk to her and let her know what a wondertful person I think that she is and that with time the things that the boys are saying would not be important. That only seemed to help for about one day. Next I spoke to her teacher. She assured me that she would do all that she could to help. The teasing persisted, so I encouraged my daughter to go and discuss it with he school counselor. She was immiediatly horrified and said NO! I assured her that the counselor was a very understanding person and that anything they would discuss would be held in confidence. To my surprise, the very next time the teasing occured, she went to see the counselor on her own. The counslor then spent time building my daughters self esteem and then called the boys in one at a time to discuss their actions and what their cosequences would be if they continued to tease my daughter. It was unknown to me at this time that aside from a policy against sexual harrassment, there was also a policy against bullying in place in our school system. The school counselor then contacted me to relay what had taken place and assured me that the next step would be to contact the boys parents if the teasing continued. Thankfully it did not. For us, the answer was having a go between who was not emotionally charged about the sitiuation. Maybe this could be your answer also. I hope the situation gets better,Lee

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Anonymous
Joined Aug 01, 2014
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Posted:Mar 17, 2001 1:04:50 AM

I think that the chapter 11 would be a great way to stop these boys behavior if all other methods have been used to eliminate their so called teasing. I was reading one input that the students have to bring home a packet that related to the students responsibilities and acceptable behavior. I know at my local school system this is also done and also the school has implemented a character education program which instills morals and values, however I know this doesn't always work. If the boys have been warned by teachers, principals, administrators and parents and the harassment doesn't cease then further action must be taken. This girl has so much to deal with already with her disabilities, school is a very laboring place for her as is to all students that are 12 years of age, but that kind of harassment should not be tolerated even if the young girl didn't have any disabilities. The boys need to be taught a lesson, how that is done.. I am not sure, but again, if all measures have been taken and nothing is changing, then maybe a more extreme threat (lawsuit) may be the answer. Good Luck!

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Anonymous
Joined Aug 01, 2014
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Posted:Mar 26, 2001 2:26:18 PM

Hi there! I feel so saddened when I hear kids are picked on. I just went to a seminar on "Bullying & Teasing." As you probably know, bullying is an imbalance of power and it can be afflicted either verbally or physically. Does your school have a policy on bullying? These kids need to be approached and educated about what they are doing, the effect, and what will happen if they continue. If this behavior is tolerated, they will keep doing it and your daughter will continually suffer. I know middle school is such a hard age. Some people would recommend peer mediation but it would need to be done in the right way, with adults around who know how to address this, and only 1:1 with your daughter. For some kids, that might be too anxiety rising. The speaker recommended if it happens at school, get the school personnel to take responsibility for educating the children on this. If parents need to be contacted, the school should be the ones to do that. It would be hard on your part being a total stranger and the speaker wondered if parents receiving a call from strangers would listen and act anyways. She said it comes better from the school if it is happening at school. If happening in your neighborhood, that's a different story she said.

What are the other kids doing while this is happening? Are they just bystanders?Maybe there could be a classwide curriculum surrounding this issue? Most schools are now implementing a policy surrounding this as it should not be accepted. The peer mediation helps the kids to problem solve as well if done correctly.

There are also some good books out called "Quit It" and or "Bullyproof:" which is supposed to help us educate our children in how to protect themselves from bullying. Of course, they also need support from their peers and adults as well.

A web site you might want to visit is www.wellesley.edu/WCW/projects/bullying.html
(I haven't visited it but it's listed in my pamphlet I received)

Hope this has been helpful! I wish you the best!

Wendy

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