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Behavior: Social Skills, Self Esteem

Accepted, neglected, rejected


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Joined: Nov 03, 2005
Posts: 69140
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Posted Jun 27, 2002 at 10:52:40 AM
Subject: Accepted, neglected, rejected

I was recently told that children generally fall into three categories with regard to their social status: those who are accepted, those who are neglected and those who are rejected. The accepted kids are the popular ones, we all know who they are. The neglected ones tend to be overlooked by their peers and often can easily change their status with encouragement to be a little more outgoing, etc. The rejected kids are clearly labeled. They are the ones who are openly excluded by the "popular" ones; often teased, harrassed or picked on. Reasons for the rejection are wide spread and often unclear. Sometimes the child has a behavior problem although not all naughty children are rejected. It can be a cultural issue. The child could be "different" due to a physical or emotional or intellectual handicap. What I found interesting is that apparently the research shows that "rejected" kids are usually not successful in changing their status no matter how much help they get. The only way to change their social status is to change their social group and basically start all over again. I was most discouraged by these findings although I guess I believe them to be true based on anecdotal studies I have seen. Does anyone have any first hand knowledge? I fear this could mean changing schools for some children and what if that is not possible? How frustrating for the child and those working with him to realize that no matter they do, it won't really make a difference.

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Anonymous
Joined Apr 20, 2014
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Posted:Jun 27, 2002 1:49:21 PM

I don't know that this is true for all schools. I'd quickly say it's not true at mine. In our middle school, most of the children have their 'group' but the groups are at peace with each other and few students, if any, are rejected. Certainly no one is neglected given the presence of many groups. One small group is the 'popular group' but if you look at little more closely, you'll see those children are not popular with anybody but themselves. While admission into that group is a narrow process, there are so many other groups which are wide open to anyone who wants to be a part, there aren't the 'neglected' among us.

The larger the school and the less widespread the participation in activities, the more vicious the competition between students. If the school and its teachers create a ladder and beam at the children at the top of it, other students will quickly scramble for a rung.

The practices of every school deserve to be analyzed and understood for the heirarchy among students they create. If participation on sports teams and plays and honor rolls is allowed to be very small, it will leave many students out in the cold in their own school. Schools should find ways to permit and encourage widespread participation and avoid rewarding a few students while ignoring others.

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Anonymous
Joined Apr 20, 2014
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Posted:Jun 27, 2002 5:10:32 PM

Thank you for your comments. I think we have all seen such things even in our own school years. However, the dynamics to which I am refering apparently occur regardless of outside influences. If the composition of the group changes, the dynamics can change but if that does not occur, the "rejected" individuals generally are unable to "improve" their social status and become "socially succesful" within that group - no matter how hard they try! It would seem then that the larger the school, the better the opportunity to "change" groups. Small schools do not give children other choices.

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Anonymous
Joined Apr 20, 2014
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Posted:Jul 01, 2002 12:13:11 PM

My daughter is in a large middle school, and she basically is rejected by 99% of her peers. there is a very small group that she is in that sits together at lunchtime--the other kids throw food at them--and beyond that, no one wants to have her in their group, or table and the kids and staff make cruel remarks about her. (this was observed by district behavioralist). My daughter has Asperger's and is mainstreamed into gifted classes, with no support (the school doesn't follow her IEP at all!) I know this all to be true because her twin sister is in every class with her and reports to me on what happens when my other daughter is too upset to tell me. school is hell but we are trying to get the school to live up to their obligations. So I agree that a large school may offer opportunities to some children for friends, it is not always a solution. My daughters go to a urban school of 1300 kids--it is considered one of the best middle schools in the city.

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Anonymous
Joined Apr 20, 2014
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Posted:Jul 07, 2002 2:11:43 PM

Mamm:

If the staff in the school is also harassing your daughter, take notes and keep names. Just remember this: there is hope on this persecution. Sixty-five years ago, anti-semitism was popular and Nazism was the in thing. Today, no right thinking person wants to be associated with this group or beliefs out in the open. It hopefully will come a day when discrimination and harassment of LD/ADD persons will be on the fringe and people who engage in this behavior will be on the outside and dismissed from employment in the education system. ie: bankruptcy is where they will be. Hang in there !

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Anonymous
Joined Apr 20, 2014
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Posted:Dec 13, 2002 5:00:49 PM

Please share a little more of your "research". My 8th grade daughter has dyslexia, and was generally rejected by her girl schoolmates until 6th grade. In 6th grade, she made the basketball team and blossomed into a beautiful young lady. In 7th grade her friends (including boyfrinds) were 8th graders, she was popular, and it appeared that her own grade had accepted her. This year the older kids have gone on to high school, and the GIRLS in her grade are so mean to her that it is hard to believe they were ever taught values or compassion (maybe they weren't). My daughter is becoming depressed and withdrawn again, and faces the hurt of this rejection daily- and there is still 5 more months of school. How can I help her?

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Anonymous
Joined Apr 20, 2014
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Posted:Dec 13, 2002 5:05:21 PM

Please share a little more of your "research". My 8th grade daughter has dyslexia, and was generally rejected by her girl schoolmates until 6th grade. In 6th grade, she made the basketball team and blossomed into a beautiful young lady. In 7th grade her friends (including boyfrinds) were 8th graders, she was popular, and it appeared that her own grade had accepted her. This year the older kids have gone on to high school, and the GIRLS in her grade are so mean to her that it is hard to believe they were ever taught values or compassion (maybe they weren't). My daughter is becoming depressed and withdrawn again, and faces the hurt of this rejection daily- and there is still 5 more months of school. How can I help her?

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