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Behavior: Social Skills, Self Esteem

Being Remembered


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Joined: Nov 03, 2005
Posts: 69140
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Posted Jul 31, 2002 at 9:09:55 PM
Subject: Being Remembered

Hi. I'm a 21 year old woman with NVLD. I have a question. How do you get people to remember you? I have about five close friends. We always enjoy seeing each other. But I am always the first one to write or call. People always forget to invite me to parties. They forget to call or return calls. They forget my birthday every year. Yet they are very happy to see me when we do get together.

I know this doesn't happen to everyone. Today is my roommates' birthday and all sorts of people have been calling and singing happy birthday to her.

People don't hate me. They just forget me. Does anyone know how to get people to remember you exist?

Sad Amy

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Anonymous
Joined Jul 29, 2014
Posts: 69140

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Posted:Aug 03, 2002 12:09:54 AM

Hi Amy,

Are you sure your friends are truly "forgetting" you? This may be more of a social skills problem on their part and not yours! Some people are just much better at being the social "director" than others. For example, I have three out of town friends who NEVER call or write or stop by when they are in town visiting family (due to time constraints). Yet when I contact them, they are always genuinely happy to hear from me and invite me to their homes. When I visit, we have a wonderful time. At first it used to bother me that they never initiated contact with me but I finally came to realize that just is the type of people they are and I have accepted it because their friendship is important to me.

On the other hand, I would ask yourself: Do your friends remember each others birthdays except yours? Does the group get together frequently without you? Would this group be best described as smaller, closer-knit groups of two loosely and occasionally grouped together as five or six? Are you closer to anyone girl over the group? From my experience, rarely does a group of this size share equal time with each other. Most often the girls group up with one special best friend in which that group of two spends time with the larger group on a less frequent basis. Understanding the dynamics of this group will better help you see your place in it.

Blessings, momo

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Anonymous
Joined Jul 29, 2014
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Posted:Aug 21, 2002 4:47:51 AM

No great solutions, but I have the same problem. I have a weight problem and a very penetrating voice, and yet a large and loud person like me can be absolutely invisible in a group; it's quite amazing how I can sink into the wallpaper unless I speak up and force myself on certain people's attention. People will ask each other "Are we meeting at . . ." and just talk right past me. Sometimes I just blend into the wallpaper and do my own thing, and sometimes I plan activities and invite others along (they can't forget I exist when I have the car keys). I have a couple of good friends whom I trust, people who have never pulled nasty stunts behind my back. Alas my ex-husband took two of these and proceeded to encourage them to go behind my back so the social circle is even more limited. (He has no real friends at all.) Anyway, those few people, I will call or write and visit and we have a good time together. Otherwise, well, I'd rather have a few good friends than a lot of fake ones. Would be nice if all of us here could all get together!

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Anonymous
Joined Jul 29, 2014
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Posted:Aug 21, 2002 1:07:46 PM

This is an interesting thread....my 10-year-old ADHD son has exactly the same problem. No one ever calls him to come over and play, yet when he calls any one of his friends they are always thrilled to come over to our house, go somewhere with us, eat dinner, sleep over etc....yet rarely does he ever get asked by a friend to do the same. I don't think it's because of poor behavior when he's away from the house; when he does go somewhere else to play I usually find an unthreatening way to ask the parents how it went, and I've never gotten a complaint yet. I felt so bad for him this summer; he spent much of every morning on the phone trying to round up someone to play with, yet our phone never rang. It just seems that some people are "forgotten" as you say, and it's sad that it has to be that way.

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Anonymous
Joined Jul 29, 2014
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Posted:Aug 21, 2002 2:05:42 PM

Hi Beth in WI,

We had this problem with our non-LD, non-ADD ds this summer for the very first time. His summer pool buddy moved out-of-state, his best friend moved to live with his mom, another friend got a part-time voluteer job and another friend was into many other activities that my ds wasn't. He too spent much of the summer unsuccessfully attempting to round up someone to play with. So sometimes, it's just the current circumstances.

It's another story altogether with my LD/ADD dd............

Blessings, momoMO

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Anonymous
Joined Jul 29, 2014
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Posted:Sep 14, 2002 5:27:02 PM

My son (who is LD) has friends, but has definitely had periods of time where he is forgotten. He is not controversial, but not popular. If we call for playdates kids will play with him, but few initiate it. As his mom, I felt hyper sensitive to the dynamics amongst the other kids, always aware of who was playing with whom.

Now my daughter is in school. She's very popular and comfortable with herself. And I have become very lazy about her social life. If she goes home without a playdate so be it. I never worry about facilitating her life because she makes friends so easily. And I see the anxiety that my casualness causes in the parents of the kids who really want to play with her. Its not that she doesn' t like those kids or that I'm avoiding them on purpose. Its just that I can get away with not trying.

There may be some of that dynamic going on.

BTW, my son is slowly increasing the number of friends that actively seek him out each year. We had him in a social skills group, and have been working on his skills, and I think its paying off.

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