Dating & LD

What is this LD-conspiracy all of you keep on talking about? I've never heard of anything like this. Most people have learning disabilities; no one's perfect.

You know what? honesty is always the best policy. And plus, if he dosen't accept you for exactly who you are and what comes along with being you, then its not the right guy!! So, I would tell him...if he accepts it, WONDERFUL, if not...he's not the one!! Good luck!

Misanthropist,

To be honest, you aren't worthy of this response, but I'm going to give it for the sake of the good people reading these boards.

Re: LD...These are cognative disorders that inhibit a person from learning and acquiring knowledge the way the majority of persons do. This causes problems with grades in school, and extends further to social phobias and difficulties because of improperly learned/acquired social skills. Seeking a remedial treatment is a positive stage, but also a long, expensive, and at times difficult road. More bluntly, if something weren't wrong, we wouldn't try so hard to fix it.

Re: Friends...Throughout centuries of philisophical, theological, and other social realms of thoughts, the forging of friendships has been timelesly viewed as one of the most beautiful and admirable human acheivements. Furhtermore, intellectuality has nothing to do with limiting friendshps. It may make certain people more desireable, but to preclude them without examining true facets of friendship with them is egotistical.

Re: You. Seek help. Your reactions on this board have been self centered and egotistical and to me, represent a deep psychosis and mental instability. Of course it's not your fault...but it becomes your fault if you fail to seek assistance for it.

Now, to everyone else, and the girl asking the question we began with. Friends, especially the one(s) we fall in love with are amazing. Of course, this breeds a host of problems as well, especially when we encounter a breakup. The issues surrounding this are all complex and require lengthy discussion. I advise using you LD to your advantage to pick up some interesting reading material, love stories etc. that will help show you the experiences of so many great people in love...in success and failure.

Having a LD makes relationships more difficult, as I alluded to earlier. I have found that reading has helped compensate for this, because a number of great authors suffered similar feelings, and literature offers great comparisons. I don't know the answers as to what to do in the relationship, to make it survive, etc....nor do I know if every relationship should survive.

So far, I can say that there are a few important things to do with LD in a relationship. If you start dating, as boyfriend girlfriend, it is probably appropriate within a month to bring this to your partner's attnetion because the nature of love and loving is one that begs us to tell our 'other' just what we are going through in life.

Secondly, do not hide any of your feelings- especially in an attempt to satisfy your partner. For instance, if he is doing something that bothers you- like being loud and obnoxious with his friends at school, or if you don't feel like you see him enough, say so. A tendency with LD is to hide, like our condition, our feelings, for fear that our feelings are as abnormal as our condition. It's not the case. Saying how you feel enables you to learn about your feelings...and in love that's something that requires two people. If there is something you don't understand, ask.

The great paradox of love is that two people become one, yet remain two individual people. As such, we have to make the one- the love, the togetherness. With a LD we are more willing to introvert feelings and sacrifice our thoughts and accept those of the person we love, and there are a couple reasons. 1- fear of abnormality; 2- Part of our dealing with our problem has led us to be self-reliant and thus we have created a self-love, which makes us inherently more trusting of ourselves than others. The flaw of this in love is that we have to make sure we trust ourselves as much as we trust the person we love. This means sharing feelings, thoughts, and emotions. It is easier said than done, I know, but write it on your wall at home, on your hand during the day...try to remember it. Our self-reliance can be a great tool, but it can turn us into our own worst enemy as well.

Some of the things we do are make elaborate plans for the future, sometimes turning them into brief fantasies. Often times we play out a discussion we are going to have with someone before we have it, and then, if we have the discussion we discover what we thought the other person would say is different from what they do say. However, often times, since we've already thought through the conversation, we simply avoid having it entirely and assume the answer.

Relationships- they are difficult to begin with. Having a LD can drag you down and make them much more difficult, and sometimes painful even when they are pleasant. The trappings of our mind may well be our worst enemy when it comes to love, though, and my suggestion is to try to subvert them. Writing, hehe, like I am doing now, is a tool you may find easier than speech to begin expressing your thoughts...as notes for a conversation, or even as a journal. The LD mind is a truly beautiful thing, but as with all things, there are ways in which they can be used to our benefit...and with the mind, we should exploit it as much as we can. Your heart will lead you, that is certain, but you have to get your brain to facilitate the interaction with your boy...that is the challenge.

Best of luck.

Yeah, I figured you'd already discovered them. ;)

Do you like being hard to get along with? Afraid somebody might like you?

John...I do lots of stuff, but I don't do marital/relationship counseling.

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Wow, you really have hit home for me!
I am 20years old and recently diagnosed with NLD.
I have been tormented with the described behaviors. It always leads to a disappointment, hankers on my self esteem, and I feel bad about letting things go by without letting him know whats going on. I met a guy, we enjoyed the few hours one evening that we spent together, we were both smitten with eachother, ..yet after we met we've chatted through aol instant messenger and I have not called him (even when he put up an away msg saying i could, i didn't). Night after night has gone by without me calling him at all. There is no doubt in my mind that I want to have him in my life, but nothing is happening because due to me alienating him by not calling him, I think he thinks that I don't want to talk to him or anything. Which is totally wrong! I think about him every day! I've cried myself to sleep. Yet I can't even pick up the phone and press dial. :(

I feel stuck, frustrated, aggrivated to no end, and nonetheless, it hurts my heart.

I have done the numerous conversations in my mind. I have done the sitting with the phone in my hand and my thumb over the dial button for hours. I have done setting a time when I am going to just call but then the time comes and I'll chicken out because I have the self-defeating thoughts and have one excuse or another. I let my mind tell me he is too busy with school to want to take the time in the day for my call. Then in the evening I let the fact that there is a baseball game on deter me from calling then. I realize that this behavior does me no good and will most likely end up wearing me down. This still continues to be a major struggle for me. Also, I am afraid that when I do talk to him opens me to being interpreted wrong of something I say and also opening up myself emotionally to a guy and knowing what I am supposed to do to have and maintain a relationship should it evolve into one.
I am new to the whole dating world. I have not had any male close friends.
I can't just call people out of the blue. I don't even call my best friends. They always have to call me and invite me out to do activities with them. So this problem doesn't just affect this one situation with the guy.

Help please?
Or direct me to resources that may help?

Thank you.

I personally couldn't care less about dating or relationships, I have far to much in my personal life I want and need to accomplish. I'm afraid a relationship will only serve as a distraction to me at this point in time.

Not only that I've seen far to many young people my age(who arn't LD) do stupid things when they jump into something that they wern't prepared for. If I remain single for the rest of my life so be it. I don't really want have a relationship just for the sake of having a relationship, that wouldn't be fair for me or the girl I'm dating.

I'm LD and ADD and that's just the way it is, I don't feel that I have to go around and personally explain myself to anyone. What you see is what you get and if you can't accept that that's your own problem, that's my attitude and I think it's a healthy one to have as far as this subject is concerned.

If someone crosses my path some day great, if not oh well.

Nate it sounds to me like you're making this ADD issue far greater than it needs to be. Don't be so hung up on it that it impares your ability to be yourself.

And last but not least I'm afraid if I do settle down with "the one" I will produce a kid exactly like msyelf :D and I don't think I could handle that. For goodness sake I can't even handle myself most of the time.

Nate you're basically repeating just what I stated :D

Your graduate work is far more important than some void you feel you have to fulfill in your life, best of luck to you!

I hope some day you find the one who is truly the best fit for you.

Oh and don't try online dating scene, trust me from my past experience it's a huge waste of time and money.

Your problems sound so much like my life!!! I never thought I'd find a person with the same dillema. I'm 19 and truthfully I've never seriously dated.This is mostly because I think God molded my life in a different direction and for now singleness all I can handle. LOL! Admittedly, I do suffer from some anxiety which makes it hard also. Wish I could be more help with the boys but I do want to say thank you for posting because your comments hit home. The first thing I also hear is "but you're so smart" too. It's like people are so sure only retarded people get true LDs. I also struggle with sequencing, spatial organization, and fast movements...these are things that can be VERY hard to explain to another person and people are afraid of what they don't understand.
What I do when I have a crush on a guy or have met a new friend is wait until our relationship has progressed to the point where they can see my intelligence and I'm really confident in my relationship with them. By the way, I've only known maybe two people in 19 years who could really hear me on the subject of my LD so the open minded, true friends aren't just everybody (but thats what makes our relationships special). When you feel ready, you may want to tell your b/f since he's someone who cares about you but put some time into how to explain it to him. For me writing really helps. Maybe you could even make it fun. Try making up little games or visuals that might help him understand (kudos to you if you are that creative :). Also, you could always print stuff from the internet, hand it to him, and let him formulate his own questions.

~*totallygenius