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Behavior: Social Skills, Self Esteem

no friends .....

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Joined: Nov 03, 2005
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Posted Apr 07, 2003 at 8:27:39 PM
Subject: no friends .....

I have two daughters 7 and 9, the 9 year old is in third grade and has had problems since she's been a baby. She was classified until last year - she still have focusing problems, organizational, self-help and is immature. She has never had many "friends". She was in girl scouts up until this year, but we are out of it now, she does horseback riding and swimming lessons in between seeing a pyschologist and going for o.t. and getting math tutoring. She has had only two playdates this year, they asked her which was nice, but that was it. We have tried with one girl in her class, but that didn't work. Her birthday is coming soon and I just want to take a few girls out to movies with her - 2 or 3 would be fine. I am even worried about getting that amount.
My other daugher has had some playdates this year, but not a lot - she has no disabilites and we cannot figure out for the life of us why the phone is not ringing for her.
I myself am not outgoing and have a few friends, I never felt comfortable in large groups. I worry constantly about them socially and am very down about it. Yes, with the older one we have tried social skills groups on and off for years and frankly they haven't helped at all.
Any comments?? Please feel free to e-mail me privately at kaaala@aol.com

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Anonymous
Joined Jul 31, 2014
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Posted:Apr 08, 2003 7:07:27 PM

I'm not much for large groups myself, and have always been shy-- the one who waits for people to call me. While social acceptance is important to kids' self-esteem, and we all want our kids to be liked and make friends....please try to relax so you can avoid transferring your own worries to your daughters. Do either of them say they are lonely, wish for more friends, complain that no one likes them? You don't want to make them feel something is wrong with them if they are happy with their situations. Are other 7 year-olds in your school/neighborhood having playdates? Many kids now are so overbooked with organized sports, scouts, lessons, etc. that they never have time for "play". If your 9 year old is immature, there is nothing wrong with her playing with kids a few years younger. What does she want to do for her birthday? (movies or other structured activities are a good idea-- if her social skills are limited she'll only need to interact during present-opening and cake-and-ice-cream eating). Social skills groups are great for teaching the skills, unfortunately they don't often transfer to the real world! Try planning activities so the girls aren't just left on their own-- cook something together, do a craft, play board games with them. How about inviting a mom and her child together-- do something low-stress like eating at McDonalds-- let the kids play while you get to know a new friend.

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Anonymous
Joined Jul 31, 2014
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Posted:Apr 09, 2003 2:06:10 AM

makes me sad- sounds like my kids...........

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Anonymous
Joined Jul 31, 2014
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Posted:Apr 09, 2003 12:05:31 PM

Don't feel bad I am in 9th grade and I get teased because I have no friends all the time she will grow into it and ignorer them and they will go away and leave her alone. Trust me I know

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Anonymous
Joined Jul 31, 2014
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Posted:Apr 09, 2003 1:13:11 PM

My daughter is in the 6th and has no friends. I am a college student so money tight. How do I help her know that she is ok? I am at my wits end please give me some suggestions. She does not like to be around alot of people. Small groups are better for her. Email me at rhsberry@hotmail.com

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Anonymous
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Posted:Apr 10, 2003 10:24:41 PM

When parents ask me for suggestions as to other children in the class that might make good playmates, I'm happy to make those suggestions. Perhaps her teacher would do the same. Sometimes a teacher can see potential friendships which can be fostered with some after school playdates. If she has trouble with social skills, structured playdates can be the more successful activity. Renting an appropriate movie and ordering a pizza can be fun for both children and avoid placing too great a burden on your daughter's growing skills.

As to her birthday, perhaps invite the two children who invited her to playdates. And does she take group swimming or riding lessons? Any opportunity to make new friends and foster friendships is a good one.

Good luck.

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Anonymous
Joined Jul 31, 2014
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Posted:Apr 11, 2003 10:43:07 AM

What do you do if the teachers won't help in this matter? Even the resource teacher won't do anything.

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Anonymous
Joined Jul 31, 2014
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Posted:Apr 11, 2003 5:50:07 PM

Can you volunteer even once in a while to figure out which kids might make good friends for your child? Is there a school counselor you can talk to? Sometimes it might be better to find friends who don't go to the same school because they don't know their reputations-- try activities such as Sara suggested. Also, remember that friends can come in all ages-- is there a senior center where your child might spend some time with older adults who would love to have a kid around? Maybe not a substitute for same-age friends, but a great way to feel accepted and practice social skills.

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Anonymous
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Posted:Apr 12, 2003 4:20:21 PM

I used to volunteer in the classroom and I'd get some ideas as to who might be good playmates from that. I also had my own son with social skills issues doing group things on the outside of school.

I also found if we planned an outing that was special, we could get a few other children to come along even if they weren't friends with our son. Going to the movies was a treat for his classmates and an afternoon off from their parents so if we invited one or two other classmates to join us for a movie and maybe pizza afterward, we had takers. Coming with us to play minature golf was another invitation that kids had trouble turning down.

It took some work and some phone calling but we got it to work.

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Anonymous
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Posted:Apr 20, 2003 8:07:36 PM

I would see if the school counselor does friendship groups. I was a Girl Scout leader for a few years, and a club like Girl Scouts, 4 H, a church group, if they are well run, would help. If its organized well, the kids have something to do and it takes away the need for lots of socializing and chatter until the kids get to know each other. Take care.

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Anonymous
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Posted:May 15, 2003 1:16:22 PM

Playdates hmm. That is an interesting word planned play for children. PLay should be spontaneous.

Some people are introverts and loners and there is nothing wrong with that. If some psychologist wants to give that a lable so what. Most psychologists are painfully inane losers anyway.

You kids are better off than you think they are. Some people prefer to be by themselves.

I also get the impression that you are upper middle class. Upper middle class is to neurosis as a water is to a fish. Have your daughter hang with real kids. You know the type with a little dirt under their fingernails and god forbid not white. I am well aware of the behaviors of children of yuppies.

I give your daughter a lot of credit. She seems to be genuine inspite of her enviroment. All you need do as a parent is love her and reach her right from wrong. everything else is psychological BS.

Robedeau knows.

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Anonymous
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Posted:Mar 17, 2004 5:45:02 AM

I wasn't going to respond, I've been reading the boards here all night because of, wait, you may have already guessed...my own social difficulties- and I am 20 and in a great college, I am here...yet I cannot let certain comments go without rebuke.

I've got to say this: Gary, I think you're wrong. All the great philosophies point to relationships (friends and lovers) as being the key to our happiness as humans. This is a goal that every parent should foster amongst their children. Setting up play dates is one step along the way. Discussions with a therapist about ADD groups for children to learn the social skills their disability prevents them from acquiring are also important.

I am not sure if introversion among some children is a postive thing- something that will turn them into a great reflective thinker or not...but I will tell you it hurts to be reflective, and from the reflective thinkers, including Kierkegaard who gave up his fiancee to reflect did so to be mesengers to us, that we might not have to follow in their footsteps. Kierkegaard is clear that his is not a model for others to follow, but rather something that we might learn from to apply to our lives (in a basic sense).

The thing about introversion, I'd say, is that it is so much a part of ADD that whatever element of it that might be good is still possesed, inbetween medication, or whatnot. The bad aspects and symptoms, however, are repressed, corrected, and the child is able to live a bright happy life full of positive friendships, at least, such is and should be our goal.

So, Gary, this is why I think you're wrong. Having relationships is the best way to exist. For some of us, it is more difficult, perhaps because of our ADD that makes the trappings of our mind our own worst enemy, but we always have that, and it enables us to have great thoughts...working around it jsut creates a happier environment of friends to have them in.

Best of luck.

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Anonymous
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Posted:Mar 25, 2004 2:30:55 PM

Funny, wasn't it Socrates who thought all that mattered in life was truth and knowledge?
I'd say hedonistic commonality and striking for mediocrity is unphilosophical.

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Anonymous
Joined Jul 31, 2014
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Posted:Mar 25, 2004 2:34:19 PM

Blah

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Cathryn
Joined Jan 21, 2004
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Posted:Mar 27, 2004 9:31:04 PM

There's that good old American "Strive For Meciocrity" again. I hate it, and am dead set against it. I love diversity, and individuality makes the world a much more interesting place! It is truly unfortunate so many aren't tolerant of all of our differences, and even worse when they teach this to their children. Hey, it has to come from somewhere.

My senior English teacher gave (and still gives) the "Strive For Mediocrity" speech (he's AGAINST it) every year to his students, and I'll never forget it, or him. There's a teacher for you!

I'm going to try to get a copy of this teacher's speech, and post it on this board.

I usually read and post on the "parents of adhd", and this is the first time I'm reading this part.

~ Cathryn

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Anonymous
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Posted:Apr 19, 2004 2:13:12 PM

my son's friends are his cousins and sisters. he is 5 and one of his wishes is to have a friend. it hurts me terribly and i have seen other children make fun of him and what hurt the most is he did not realize this and kept trying to play with these children. i did not want to point it out to him but i wanted to keep him away. when do you stay out of it,what can i do? :(

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Anonymous
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Posted:Apr 19, 2004 2:14:45 PM

my e-mail is mykids_CCC@yahoo.com please someone give me some advice.

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Anonymous
Joined Jul 31, 2014
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Posted:Apr 19, 2004 10:05:45 PM

How does your child feel about not playing with many friends? It may not be bothering her.

I was not a learning disabled child, but was (and still am) shy and somewhat reclusive. I get enough socialization at work, and just being around others. I have always had just one or two "friends". The rest are what I would call acquaintances. I am not lonely or unhappy. I remember there being times when, as a kid, I felt awkward standing alone. Also, I was always picked last for gym activities. However, I grew to be okay with it and I have no lasting emotional scars from it. It always helped for me to hear mom and dad's encouragement, and they didn't seem to put any import on my socialization skills. They allowed me to be shy as long as I was happy and could ask for help.

My son has difficulty socializing sometimes. I think that for him, I will draw the line where my parents did. If he can get help (ask questions) or communicate needs and seems happy, I think that will be enough.

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Anonymous
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Posted:Apr 21, 2004 11:18:56 AM

Quote "Roxanne":

What do you do if the teachers won't help in this matter? Even the resource teacher won't do anything.

I'd made some time and some arrangements then with the resource room teacher and/or the reg. teacher so that you can come in and visit the classroom. Teachers sometimes don't like having parents visit but it is your lawful right to do so. Make up some pleasant reason why you'd like to do this - something that doesn't make them nervous like - I'd just like to keep an eye on how well she pays attention in school for myself or I'd like to see how she uses her time in the classroom to get some ideas to keep her on track at home.

If you sit quietly in the back of the room, the kids will stop noticing you after a bit and the life of the classroom will pick up around you. Try to go when they're not sitting in a circle around the teacher listening to a book or very structured times. Certainly go during lunch time and see who your daughter sits with. Try to observe on the playground and see who she plays with.

Good luck.

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Anonymous
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Posted:Apr 21, 2004 11:24:13 AM

Quote "snf":

my son's friends are his cousins and sisters. he is 5 and one of his wishes is to have a friend. it hurts me terribly and i have seen other children make fun of him and what hurt the most is he did not realize this and kept trying to play with these children. i did not want to point it out to him but i wanted to keep him away. when do you stay out of it,what can i do? :(

I wouldn't let my child be the brunt of other children's ridicule - no good can come of that. I also wouldn't tell him the harsh truth about the other children but I would not stay out of it. Similar things happened to my own son and I'd walk up and say, "We need to go home now."

Is your son in school? Cousins and sisters can be the best kind of friends - the kind that last through life. But since he wants a friend other than his counsins and sisters, what about Boy Scouts? Or taking a class outside of school where he might make a friend?

Good luck.

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Anonymous
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Posted:May 01, 2004 10:22:22 AM

I'm new here - my son is 23, almost 24 now, teaching assistant working on a masters, good friend set -

diagnosed with auditory processing problems in 5th grade - kids were picking on him in 4th on the playground - I didn't realize what the problem was then, but it's like being deaf without being deaf - he had two years of speech therapy back then and through Kindergarten twice - read lips and didn't have the social background most pick up naturally because he didn't 'hear' what was going on around him all those years like most do - many ear infections when little - tonsils out when 6, then healthy and hearing more normally, but auditory nerve damage which, for him, is getting less pronounced over time - kids would say something to him behind him, but he couldn't differentiate the words from the background noise, so they thought he was stuck-up - also very bright, so had reputation as an 'nerd' (by the way, nerds are the nicest people I know)

he wanted judo lessons - kind of surprised me - scraped to do it, but he took them, the kind that teaches to use only when needed - my son was always a gentle soul anyway - suddenly, on playground, kid picking on him physically would find himself on ground with a simple trip - all of a sudden, he was popular - 'show me how you did that - wow' - then in 6th, he got into wrestling and continued that into high school - very good for him - main thing though was that i had to stay out of his choice of friends early on and make my house the place they could come and get fed, etc. - he's always been pretty choosy about friends, small groups, one best friend - but they've stuck together through thick and thin - still keep in contact and get together some for college graduations, etc. - and it took him awhile to make new friends in college, but he did that quite well, although when 18 and I'd just taken him to dorms, he called that night and said he didn't like it there and wanted to come home (g) - I just said why don't you give it a week or two, then a month - all this time, he's learned to drop friends who really aren't friends and hang onto the ones who are - I just had to stay out of the way, be supportive - hope this helps someone - old age is sometimes good for something (s)

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