Relationship with Spouse

I'm a contributing editor at Ladies Home Journal and have written about learning disabilities before. I'm working on a story about how you can learn about your spouse through your children, and am looking to talk to the spouse of someone who was diagnosed with LD or ADHD after a child of theirs was diagnosed LD or ADHD. The point of my story is that children often give us insight into our spouses, and I'm wondering how this diagnosis impacted the husband-wife relationship.

Please e-mail me at jralston@moment.net if you would like to contribute to this article.

Thank you--Jeannie Ralston

I AM THE SPOUSE WITH ADHD/ADD/PANIC ATTACKS IN MY

MARRIAGE. I DID NOT GET INTO THERAPY SOON ENOUGH TO

SAVE THE MARRIAGE. A THERAPUTIC REGIME THAT WORKS

TOOK ABOUT 5 YEARS TO ACHEIVE AND THE MARAIGE LASTED

2 YRS 11 MONTHS......."IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH" DOES NOT

APPLY TO THOSE OF US SUFFERING WITH ADD OR PANIC

ANXIETY ATTACKS, MY WIFE WOULD NOT HAVE LEFT ME IF I

HAD HAD CANCER THAT TOOK 5 YRS TO GET UNDER CONTROL.

NOW I AM AFRAID TO TRY AGAIN.........

There are some things (er... a lot of things) still unprotected by law. Staying married is one of them.

I actually have a different problem. My wife is opposed to me getting treatment (meds) for my ADD. It has helped in the past with some side effects; albiet pretty scary ones. But, I think some of the new drugs could help. I don't even feel comfortable talking about it anymore and do everything I can to act "normal" around her and our kids. She knows I have problems, but doesn't believe in all the "psychobabble". She thinks I watched too much tv as a kid and the doctors wanted to peddle drugs so they made me believe a have a problem.

My dad was diagnosed with ADD nearly 10 years after me. He had to come clean with some other stuff, first. My parents seperated for about 6 months while my dad was "working on it". It was a struggle for my mom, but I know she felt like things would improve, in the long run. They're back together now, or at least living together, mostly happy. My dad takes meds and talks to me about the success (and failures) he has with different drugs/dosages.

My dad is a hell of a lot easier to get along with when he remembers his meds. My wife sees this as "getting along with the drugs". I think she thinks I'll change into someone she won't like, or I'll try to change her to match.

Either way, living with people with ADD is HARD! A lot of people just aren't cut out for it. It's especially tough when you go into a marraige thinking everything is alright, when it's not. It's not like cancer (live or die). It's more like being secretly psychopathic. People deal with it until they find out.

I can't imagine talking to my employer about this. I read some of the other posts about getting an advocate and asking for special accomodations. Maybe they would be forced to keep me employed, but I would be gone with the next batch of layoffs. I certainly would never be up for any promotions or raises beyond their lawyers' recommendations. Right now I'm just quirky because I come in late and work fast to make up the difference.

It will take a lot of effort (on our part) to change the maturity of our society from tolerating and protecting to accepting and desiring. That's what we need. If the qualities of ADD are accepted and desired traits of people, we wouldn't be having discussions about meds and changing and tolerating or not. Maybe if we loved and desired each other as people in general...

Great succinct letter. Sorry about my spelling. Not getting up for a dic. at the moment. Your letter was very well put.
Ann G.