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Behavior: Social Skills, Self Esteem

girl's social skills with boys


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Joined: Nov 03, 2005
Posts: 69138
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Posted Jul 23, 2003 at 1:50:11 AM
Subject: girl's social skills with boys

My daughter is an outgoing, cute and friendly 10 year old, diagnosed with ADHD, that is extremely interested in boys. (She has all the major ADHD symptoms - impulsivity, hyperactivity, and the other two symptoms I can't think of at this moment.) Major interest in boys started last year in the fourth grade. That is when boys and girls liking each other became part of the social scene at her school. She so wanted to be one of the couples that she started to obsess about it. While I know interest in the opposite sex is normal and cute; how much is to much? (Example: One day she came home not understanding why many kids at school were laughing at her. During the course of our conversation, she mentioned that she follows with her eyes the actions of one boy constantly. Whether he is walking across the room, playing with other kids at recess, etc. She spoke as if she was very happy showing everyone interested that she was very interested in this boy. The boy was becoming very embarrassed and was beginning to not like her at all and would walk the other way when he saw her. I explained to her that liking the boy was normal, but making it so obvious that it was embarassing him was not the correct thing to do. The look on her face was that she thought I was an ancient party pooper trying to rain on her parade. ... Fast forward to earlier this summer, we went to the Harry Potter book release party.
The little boy and a friend of his along with his family were also there. My husband became upset with daughter because of her actions. She was again following the poor boy's every action with her eyes to the point that when he went out of eyesight she started hopping up and down trying to look over bookcases to see him in the bookstore, difficult as it was with several hundred people waiting for Harry Potter's release. My husband took her outside the building to speak with her about her actions. I have tried to speak with her about this many times and explained to her while it is normal to be interested in boys and boys interested in her, she should not make her interest so obvious that its embarassing for the boy. Are my husband and I wrong? Are we to strict or protective of her to be concerned of her behavior. Is what I described as normal - daughter's part or parents? During a recent sports camp in which several ages were in the same building - my 10 year old daughter approached teenage boys she didn't know and tried to start up a conversation. Of course, the boys were polite but turned to walk away from her and my daughter said "you can't get rid of me that easy" and "you're going to have to put up with me all week" While she has an older brother, these teenage boys were strangers!!! It wouldn't surprise me if teenage girls were this interested in boys, but it is very disturbing to see my 10 year old act this way.

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bgb
Joined Jun 13, 2003
Posts: 330

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Posted:Jul 23, 2003 10:02:15 AM

...and they mature later. Neither have shown much interest in this yet.

I'm afriad I don't have any suggestions to offer other than you may wish to post this in the Parenting a child with ADD forum. Yes, this is the proper forum but it doesn't get much traffic.

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Beth from FL
Joined Jun 15, 2003
Posts: 621

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Posted:Jul 23, 2003 12:36:31 PM

I'd be concerned too, so I think your gut is right. Does she generally have trouble seeing how others perceive how she acts or is this a new thing? Perhaps you could try role playing--you play the following eyes to show her how it feels. Tell her that there are socially accpetable ways to show interest--try to teach her the rules--she may not really understand what is being communicated.

I also would try to shelter her from older boys. I can see a girl like her being taken advantage of.

Beth

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pattim
Joined Jun 15, 2003
Posts: 221

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Posted:Jul 24, 2003 2:55:41 PM
Subject:pragmatics

Hi,

I would suggest that you talk with the pediatrician and see if he can make a referral for a speech and language evaluation on her pragmatics skills specifically. She could qualify for speech and language services to teach her pragmatics/the social graces with people. It is common for kids with ADHD to have problems with making and keeping friends, they are very self-centered and have difficulty in monitoring their behavior. I had one friend who ended pulling her ADHD boy crazy daughter out of public school as it was getting out of hand. She ended up homeschooling her and worked on her academics and social skills at home.

Is your daughter currently on medication to curb some of her impulsivity. My daughter is now 14 and she has been on meds for ADHD for about 4 years. IT has been a lifesaver for her socially, she is still somewhat immature but she is wonderful at picking up cues from people and wants to help them and make friends. She is also thoughtful, it is something we have worked on a lot but I am also an SLP and I know that SLP's work on pragmatics with children quite frequently.

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Anonymous
Joined Oct 25, 2014
Posts: 69138

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Posted:Jul 28, 2003 8:28:09 AM

That your daughter's behavior with boys is causing other children to laugh at her or be uncomfortable around her means you and your husband's concern is justified and your husband did the right thing in speaking to her about her behavior.

We need to guide our children to behavior that falls within socially acceptable guidelines. To like a boy - even a lot - is fine. To follow him everywhere with your eyes - at any age - is not. With our ADD/ADHD children, more deliberate explanation and instruction is often needed. Ask her what she wants of this situation? Does the want to boy to like her back? If so, don't follow him with your eyes everywhere. Point out to her that while you love her father, you don't follow him with your eyes everywhere. And last, point out to her that these days such behavior can get her into trouble and that it is NOT acceptable. People are very uneasy these days and we all need to be sure none of our gestures or looks can ever be considered threatening in any way.

All girls go through periods of wanting to chase after boys. Wanting to and doing so are two different things. Your daughter sounds as if she will need to be carefully monitored by the two very caring parents she clearly has.

Good luck.

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Anonymous
Joined Oct 25, 2014
Posts: 69138

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Posted:Aug 02, 2003 3:05:46 AM

even if you think its ok, tell her she shouldnt. (im 17 and male... i know what i am speaking of when i say the following sentence) it doesnt matter if you are god's gift to men, if you wont leave us alone and follow us around like youre physically attached, we will like you LESS. tell her to relax and not do... i just forgot that sentence. something like not chase. yeah. forgot sentence while i was typing it.

having her figure that out will make it stop or slow down (hopefully) and help her actually achieve what she is trying to (whatever that might be... i kinda had trouble reading the entire thing at this moment).

basically tell her boys will like her less if she chases them too much.

i have a feeling i was going to type something else but i have no idea what it was.


This post brought to you by ADD and exhaustion. Enjoi.

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