handling rejection

Submitted by an LD OnLine user on

My 8 year old daughter in 2nd grade has CAPD and a few other learning issues.
She seems to have a hard time making friends. She is in Brownies and
several other activities. She hardly ever gets invited over to other
people’s houses to play, and she has only been to 2 birthday parties this
year. We had a party for her, however, and 12 kids came. I have never
really explained her differences to the other moms;I am sure that they can
see that she is a little different. People are generally polite, but things
never go beyond that, ie asking her over. One mom acts like we have
rabies. My daughter likes her daughter and wants to be friends with her.
It broke my heart today because she told me “I try so hard to be nice to
Mary because I want to be her friend, but she told me she doesn’t want
to be friends with me.” What can I tell my child? Every time she sits by
Mary in the lunch room, the girl says “I don’t want to sit by you.”
I volunteer at our school a lot, as does Mary’s mom, and she treats me like
dirt.(She is the only one. I have a lot of other friends.) Her child is gifted,
and I guess she is so ignorant (and judgmental) that she thinks I am an unfit
parent. I am having a hard time dealing with my daughter being
rejected by other kids and me being treated like this by this other mom.
Any advice?

Submitted by Anonymous on Sat, 03/08/2003 - 4:58 PM

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i have a child with Asperger’s and she is in her 9th year as a Girl Scout. One piece of advice (maybe you have done this) is to tell the leaders about her disabilities, put it on her health form—and give suggested adaptations for activities. GS should be inclusive, but volunteer leaders need support and help. You can also work with the council staff to have her go to resident camp with supports when she is ready.
The leader could also do some disability awareness activities in the meeting—I did this successfully-and the GS have materials for leaders to use.
on the other hand—until middle school, my daughter was never invited to birthday parties or over to play. in 5th grade, she made some friends—kids who also have social difficulites and they are all friends still today (at 14). Get your daughter some social skills training at school or from speech teacher. Use social stories by Carol Grey—and learn the skills of friendship. lots of people have rejected my daughter, but I can’t dwell on those people, I just move on.
good luck.
PS my daughter is now a great cookie seller and is working on her Silver Award with her troop.

Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 03/09/2003 - 2:41 AM

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First, that other mom should be ashamed of herself. How ignorant can you be? Try not to let her get to you, as difficult as that is.

Keep volunteering and befriending other moms. I’ve definitely been able to facilitate my son’s acceptance through my relationships with other parents. They like our family so he gets included.

At our school , if a child spoke to another child that way the teacher would be expected to intervene. My son is in 3rd grade, and I had to bring a situation to the teacher and he spoke to the whole class about inclusion/exclusion and set some ground rules. They also assign lunch tables to promote less clichish behavior. The school is quite focused on socialization, and yours may not be, but if they encourage parent volunteers that tells me you may have some latitude to influence their outlook.

Social skills training can definitely help - so I agree with sssf, you might want to look into it.

Submitted by Anonymous on Wed, 03/26/2003 - 5:08 PM

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i think that mom is really ignorant having a ignorant mother is probably why the child is mean to yours. i would tell my daughter you really dont need friends like that any way. just my opinion

Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 06/01/2003 - 8:32 PM

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As a parent of a now 19 yr. old LD son with social issues, I can empathize with ;you. I have cried many tears through the years while I witnessed his rejections and disappointments. Eventually he turned to drugs because,as he put it, “At least I wasn’t invisible when I used.” Now that use is leading to violent rages. When these occur, I always remember how painful his life was. I guess I have no real solution, but I do know that you must do everything you can to help her find success. Keep her (and yourself ) far away from those parents and children who are completely misinformed (IGNORANT). I searched for social training throughout his many years of therapy and found none. Maybe soon someone will recognize the need for it and get the ball rolling. Good luck to you and your daughter.

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