My child has adhd with some of all the components of adhd. She has lied for tiny, mundane things up to big, bold face lying. Her excuse is that she lies because she doesn’t want to get in trouble. Trouble is usually discussion, lectures, and restriction. I guess it stems back to before she was diagnosed with add and she was in time out alot. Now I’m trying to get her to understand she needs to be trusted and also accept responsibility for her actions (within reason for a child). I’m worried now that she is “hiding papers from school and checking everyday to make sure she hasn’t been discovered.” (her words)
Any suggestions on how to deal with this will be appreciated. Thanks.
Re: lying and hiding school papers
Do the discussions, lectures and restrictions actually help her with the issues they get her into trouble?
For example, is she doing well at school? If not, do discussions, lectures, and restrictions help her to do better?
Usually students who don’t do well at school need help with their school work. Discussing the work is a good start but lecturing or restricting activities isn’t. We can’t restrict or lecture students into doing well with school work when what they need is support.
Your daughter’s behavior suggests she has problems she can’t handle so she takes the short -term approach and tries to hide the papers. Is she stops hiding the papers will that alone be ok with you or will you want those papers to have good grades on them?
Re: lying and hiding school papers
Discussions help and restriction from TV (which is usually her restriction) helps. She doesn’t hide graded papers but rather homework or behavior slips which should be signed by parents and returned.
The homework slips aren’t really anything to worry about. I know she does her homework and usually sign off on her assignment book, as a way of keeping a record of checking. If she receives a homework slip, it’s because she forgot to pack it (the homework) up when packing her backpack. The slip that alarmed me was the behavior slip which really turned out to be a minor thing. The hiding of the slip and lying about it was what raised a red flag to me. Why should she hide and lie? Her words - “Because I didn’t want to get into trouble.” Upon which I asked her what trouble did she get in for a homework slip or behavior slip? (“talking to me or nothing”) Upon which I replied “What are you getting in trouble for?” (“lying”) I want her to see that she can come to me but not feel the need to lie. She is in 4th grade. We are working on her organization. She loves school and even with the disorganization which gets in the way at school, teachers tell me she is a hard worker. I tell her she is smart because I know she is. She is a B - C student and as long as I know she is trying hard to get good grades, that is fine with me. She has adhd and ld. She is in a private school and usually gets very structured teachers where she knows to tow the line.
Carm,
I have had this experience in the past with my child. All I can tell you is that my husband and I layed down the law to him, tried to keep it simple and calm, and remained consistent. We informed our child that the rules and the consequences would not change, therefore, he had to. It took time, but it worked. Your child has to know that he or she can trust you not to over-react when she messes up. ALso, it has been my experience that it takes at least 3 weeks to effect any behavioral change and you, the parent have to be so consistent. It is really hard, but works. Don’t know the age of the child you are talking about, but “catching her doing something good” and speaking to others about her in a complimentary fashion (in her presence) goes a long way. Hope this helped.