Asked to leave Catholic School…do u tell your adhd child?
Hi everyone…I have a question I am struggling with and need opnions.
My 10 year old daughter, almost 11 in 2 weeks has been in the same small Catholic school since K. She is now in 5th grade. We had some problems with her medicine and had to take he off and am trying to find another medicine that will help her that is a non stimulant. We are currently trying Kapvay. In the meantime, my daughter is having behavioral issues such as refusing to do her classwork and talking back to the teachers. She only has this behavior until we find the right medicine. For years she had no behavioral issues at school. Because this year was so difficult, due to losing her special services and us fighting to get them back in Dec, and then having to take her off her medicine because it caused heart problems and trying to find a new medicine that can help her. None of these things are really her fault.
Despite dealing with all these issues, the school has told us that she is not welcomed back next year, put nicer then that, but that is what they said. Their main reason is her disrespect and her refusal to do her classwork. Second reason is that they feel the pace is too fast for her learning there and she can’t keep up. Her brother, who is gifted, will also have to leave the school because I refuse to leave him there, moreso for fianncial reasons.
How should I handle telling my children this, especially my daughter? Do I tell her the truth, that her behavioral issues caused this? I’m also afraid that my son might resent his sister for forcing him to leave this school. He is 7 and started there when he was 3. He has a huge circle of friends and is very poplar and well liked there.
My husband thinks we should just say we can’t afford that school any more and not tell her but I fear if we don’t tell her, we might be lossing the chance to explain how choices of behavior = consequences. I don’t want to her think what she did was okay. In her private school, the teacher would tell her to do her work and then she would pick up the pencil but put it down the minute the teacher turned her back. Doing homework was a nightmare with her and she would fight me tooth and nail not to do it. Even reduced homework, she didn’t want to do. Mumbling to the teacher and being disrespectful to her and to us at times. Hormones have also kicked in on her as she is starting to develop and becoming more defiant.
At almost 11, I think she should be told her actions lead to this consequence but I’m not sure. She is emotional. Is this truly her fault and should she carry the weight of this. Will it hurt her or benefit her to know the truth? How should I handle this?
[Modified by: dhfl143 on May 14, 2012 01:39 AM]
Hi 2kids4me and welcome here,
The real question is whether she has any choice and control over her behaviour?
Behind ‘behaviour’, we have 2 parts of the brain?
One regulates ‘impulses’, and decided when we will or wont react to an impulse?
Another one, recognises consequences, punishment and rewards.
But when either of these aren’t operating effectively, then impulses can’t be controlled, and/or, consequences have no meaning?
Where if she doesn’t have control over either of these? Then it would be wrong to make her feel to blame, if she has no control over these actions?
Where I can only imagine how confusing it would be for her?
So that it would only add to her confusion, if she is made to feel to blame, for actions that she really has no control over?
But perhaps it could be discussed with her, in terms of helping her to understand her lack of control of her behaviour? So that she can make some sense of it.
So that instead of an approach that tells her what she is doing wrong, and what she should be doing?
Perhaps it could begin with helping to understand what is behind her difficulty?