Yelling and screaming at my ADD child

I don’t know of any web sites but you might consider looking for a therapist, counselor or parenting coach to help you learn new, more effective ways of dealing with your son.

Hi Claireloon

It must certainly be extra challenging being a single mom and having an ADD Child.

Don’t be so harsh on yourself. Reaching out for help is a move in the right direction.

There are numerous online resources that can help.

My free reports (FIND LINKS IN MY SIG FILE) and [url=http://add-help.blogspot.com]my blog [/url]both have lots of information and advice on dealing with an ADD Child in a more positive and constructive manner.

Here are some specific articles that may be of help
[url=http://offto.net/single_03ad]6 Ways To Soar As A Single Parent[/url]

[url=http://offto.net/guilt]Parental Guilt & Anger[/url]

[url=http://offto.net/adhdkids]ADHD & Young Kids:Unlocking The Secrets To Good Behavior [/url]

[url=http://offto.net/buildconcentration]5 Concentration Building Techniques For Kids With ADHD[/url]
[Modified by: CalmKids on May 27, 2009 12:20 PM]

One of the first steps to improving your situaiton is to realize and reach out for assistance. This article describes various resources that may be of value:

http://www.ldonline.org/adhdbasics/family

In addition, perhaps one of these articles would provide some practical suggestions that you could implement:

http://www.greatschools.net/cgi-bin/showarticle/2338

http://www.greatschools.net/cgi-bin/showarticle/2045

http://www.greatschools.net/cgi-bin/showarticle/3101

There are also additional book suggestions at the bottom of these pages that you may be able to locate and check out at the local library.

Some parents have expressed success with “1-2-3 Magic” and/or “Love and Logic”.

Best wishes.
[Modified by: dhfl143 on May 27, 2009 10:28 PM]

[Modified by: dhfl143 on May 27, 2009 10:33 PM]

Wow…

You are giving yourself quite a bumm rap here. You are one of the most honest and truly good parents of a child with ADHD i have seen post on this board. Congratulations. To admit and take responsibility for all that, and to share that is a really hard thing to do. I think you are a far better parent than you give yourself credit for. And you are right, there is always room to improve yourself and your parenting, and your child.

I personall.y as someone with ADHD have found it to be a myth and more a problem with society and our culture as opposed to with the child. Your kid has a sense of self. That isn’t a bad thing. Atleast it doesn’t have to be. My suggestion is, don’t yell don’t scream children are sponges he may have learned his behaviors from you to start with. You need to get some real help not for him well maybe for him too. But more importantly for you. Because you have the ability to be perhaps one of the best parents on earth if you just fix the mistakes you are making that you are so honest about and that you take such responsibility for. Those behaviors belong to you. They are yours to change so maybe see a shrink? Or take a parenting class? Try reverse psychology with your child instead. Sometimes one just has to learn the hard lessons the hard way.

You have alot more to be proud of than most parents as you have come forward looking for help for yourself rather than saying “something is wrong with my kid how do i fix him!!! He is acting like i want him to he must be broken!” You are a damn good parent. Don’t ever forget that. And hold yourself to that standard when dealing with your child. Because you can.

Oh! i just remembered something from when i was a kid. I have seen 2 worth while experts in my life. One is the current one the other was when i was in my early teens. She saved our family. There were still some super serious problems. But, without her and what she did i don’t think any of us would have survived it in my house.

She had us think about the family and ourselves and our wants and our needs and what would make us feel better and what we need from eachother. Then she compounded it into a contract. Which we all sat down and negotiated together. The thing is, there have to be penalties that are aplicable and aplied to the parent as well as the child which is why what she did really worked. because then it wasn’t a matter of authority. it was a matter of a legally binding contract that we disucssed together and put together to the mutual unhappiness of all with a few positive points in it for all of us. It included chores, grade averages, amount of time to be spent each night on homework, General rules, governance of reactions of all to cut down on in my home, it was the hitting. May dad loved to hit me. Sometimes he used objects, broom handles, boat paddles, the remote control for the tv… But that got added to the contract and though it never stopped till my husband put my dad in a down like a dog a few years ago, it cut down on alot of it i do believe. And then there were things he had to do to make up for it.

You see, the authority in the house became the contract. Rather than it being the vaiing of the wills of parent against child. We all knew what our responsibility was and we all got to decide if we wanted to pay the piper for violating the contract or abide by it. What we soon saw was that when we went by the contract, our home was not wholy peaceful. Far from it. But, it was *alot* better.

Thanks Mandi
I find dealing with the whole ADD thing so frustrating is all. Parents expect their 7 year old child to listen, not to nag and tell them what to do. (My son reminds me of my dad - he nags as much :oD) And I see that it annoys my five year old as much. But that is who is he and we have to deal with it I suppose. He has a lot going for him - he is a bright child, when he sits still long enough. But we need to learn how to get along with out shouting at each other. I like your contract idea - I will try that one, I think it will appeal to him.

My kids don’t have ADD, but my son is a special needs child with reading and writing issues and auditory processing. So, alot of repetition is needed.

What I have found as a parent of a special needs child, is to lower my expectations. In other words, not to place emphasis on high performance standards.

I also do NOT punish for my kids not listening. I usually just repeat it a few times or take a toy away for time out.

I don’t think my in-laws agree. My sister was on my case and felt she didn’t need to repeat anything. I think it’s wrong and/or abusive to not repeat yourself to a child with low memory scores and low language scores.

I guess I am just too happy with my kids. I enjoy playing. They can do no wrong in my book. Actually, being a parent has healed the childhood that I missed out. It’s actually a re-do for me.

I hope you can find that place where you can accept your son as he is. Learn to enjoy his positive strengths. Discipline when you need to. Good luck. I know ADD can be very challenging for him and for you.

Your child has ADHD alledgedly. A defect for which there is no evidence that is scientifically valid or measurable. The diagnosis is a solely siubjective matter. And you are being told you have an LD child and someone actually suggests that you lower your standard…. As someone who couldn’t spell my own first name till i was 10 went on to get a degree in atrchaeology and am presently studying egyptology and epigraphy. As someone soooo dyslexic i was virtually useless till age 12 and diagnossed and undiagnosed with ADHD more than once…. I speak more than 6 languages. The first time i went to college for a short time (i got bored) it was for music. And your response to someone with a kid solely diagnosed with ADHD is lower your standard?! And if someone had done such a thing for me…. Only the goddess Maat knows where in helvete i would be today. That is a ridiculous suggestion!

However. There is something to the suggestion of reptetition some people do need more of it than others…. And some have other issues that complicate matters on top of 1 thing tthat is only mildly problematic in the over all scheme of things and it is all an issue of severity as well. But, i would rather be deceased than to be told that i can hold myself to a lower standard. How condescending.

I am glad being a parent has provided you a re-do, you know your kid i don’t. But as someone with ADHD and without it at the same time. I can tell you, holding him to a different standard is the wrong way to handle him.

The problem with kids with ADHD, is they have too many questions. They want answers to all of them at once. They think very very fast and so what they do seems more impulsive and less thought out. And sometimes that is true. But, most often it really isn’t true and it is actually conscious well thought through choice making in super speed so then the brain exhausts and there isn’t energy to sustain things as simple as attention. Atleast that is how it is for me. Most kids with ADHD, are very ob servant and curious. They see things though in their own way. Their perspective is…. Often alot larger than is average. Your child is doing just what he should be at age 7. Developing a personality of his own and learning to rationalize things. The issue is that his perspective is so large sometimes that you probably don’t see the rationality in it. And for that reason he seems a bit strange and then when he asserts it along with his own personality especially in a negative way in a society in which children should be seen and not heard…. Problems arise.

I once told one of my teachers in highschool That if she wanted me to ever write another paper for her class again she could to quote, “write the damn thing herself!” (I was mad. I wrote this amazing perfect eleoquent elegant paper so said a professor at Harvard who read it before i turned it in. I included everything the teacher asked for in this paper. But, what i didn’t do is what she didn’t mention anything about. I didn’t regurgitate her opinion on the subject as she had taught it to us word for word.) And then i was told not to speak so impulsively. The fact remains to this day, i feel no remorse or pain at saying what i did. If someone wants respect they must give it. You don’t give someone that turns in a technically perfect paper a D because it isn’t written in support of your own opinion when the assignment indicates that that matter is free for the writer to choose. So i told her exactly int hat exchange what i thought of her and her bogusness. She wanted respect and she didn’t get it. Because she didn’t show me any.

Punishing a kid with ADHD is NOT always a bad idea. But punishing any child is not the best system. Because ADHD children have a different view. For children being behaved is a *job* it is not a natural behavior for an adult to put on high heels and go sit in an office all day doing their work. Well for a child good behavior is a job. Learning good behavior is a job. Your boss can’t legally put in your room or spank you or scream and yell at you (rather they really shouldn’t) All they can do is fire you and pay you. Well if the job isn’t done then the pay isn’t earned. ADHD kids, atleast me anyway when i was 7 saw the world in this way. Make good behavior a subsistence strategy. IE, he gets attention he gets toys he gets junk food he gets rewarded and recognition for *good* things and *ONLY* good things. If you ignore him completely when he is bad more or less, soon he will see it isn’t proffitable. There is no pay off of any sort at the end. It serves no purpose. And in hsi world view, if it serves no purpose then what is the point? Which is likely his rational for school related behavior too. It was part of my rational for skipping math class to read about ancient societies and now i am an archaeologist sooo…

Somehow, you must teach him the relevance of the things you ask him to do. You must show him how they fit into both the big picture and the small one. You can’t always jusgt say to him “you need to do this do it now!” Because he says “why?” This is a question only a bright child has. A stupid child says oh ok… i respect your authority. But what is your authority based on? Just the fact that you have lived X amount of years longer than he has and because you can yell and scream louder? Sorry, but that is not a basis upon which authority can be non laughable in the eyes of an ADHD child. Encouragement of his ideas, showing him you can organize teaching him how it is necesary without yelling and screaming take the time to help him to acheive his dreams because he sees a larger picture the smaller one is less relevant to his thinking and so the every day banalities often fall through the cracks and become hard for people like your son. Did you know Cher has ADHD? The Wright Brothers? Simon Cowel from American Idol? Einstein???? Mozart… Agatha Christie etc… Even Leonardo Da Vinci is said to have had ADHD. People with ADHD tend to be very very creative because they start asking questions young and they start constructing large answers to those questions young. What they need is someone to help them manage the small stuff they have trouble with. Yelling and screaming is not going to help any. And too much repetition is going to come across as condescension and just bore the kid. Also, being condescended to is obviously insulting so best not to do it. You need to take your authority out of the equation atleast initially until you get your issues under control. And until you can think of ways to be a supportive structure. Someone who can show him things when he is trying to do something without condescending without yelling without pressuring him. Becauuse that is how you set up a foundation of trust. And once you have trust he will likely come to your for alot of things. I go to my mom all the time. But i don’t talk to my dad. He doesn’t know where i live. But my mom, taught me to use a calender…. She taught me how to organize and structure my ideas and questions. And she didn’t push she just…. There is a song…. And it is kind of ummm a vallid way to aproach kids with adhd…
Don’t walk in front of me, i may not follow.
Don’twalk behind me, i may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend
And together we will walk in the land of ashem.
That song is a good indication of where you need to be when dealing with your ADHD child. You need to be their friend. You need to see them. You need to know who they are and respect them for who they are. Both the good the bad and the ugly and you need to be there to sit next to them and to make suggestions now and then without being upset or trying to force them to do what you say. Because that isn’t going to work. They need to understand the *why* sometimes that means living life as opposed to sitting in a classroom. We need the relevance justified to us. It is an important character trait. We need to see what happens not from *YOUR* response but from the situation we are in when we *don’t* listen and obey. We are not trained or trainable monkeys. Whe we don’t understand something in society because our rationality is too big, somehow, someone has to get us to understand it. But you can’t force that understanding on another person. It simply isn’t possible. And trying to assert your will over someone designed to contemplate the mysteries of the universe and to create amazing stuff…. Seems kinda like a society hell bent on shooting itself first in the foot and then in the head. Imagine… If the Wright Brothers had been told never to ask “why can’t we fly???” Or if Ben Frankline, (another ADHD sufferer) Had not done all he did. Every time we beat down the spirit of a child with ADHD and turn them into just another trained monkey we are murdering genius. That being said…. There is also something to presentation being everything. Not everything has to be what it seems. OIne can have huge philosophical ideas but so what? What does it do if it doesn’t reach the population? What purpose does it serve? So you need to learn to read and write and to organize thoughts on paper…. Though it may be an opinion or statement that ggoes totally against the grain of society. That doesn’t make it wrong. Society has made thousands of mistakes and it will make billions more before the next ice age sets in and the magnetism switches and global warming wrecks everything and finally the sun goes super nova. So trying to force someone to fit in and to obey is a bad idea. I mean it was this idea of, forcing people to fit in in Germany in world war 2 that ultimately is to blame for every evil thing that happened over there. Without that… it couldn’t have happened. Maybe we should be teaching our children to be individuals rather than just trained monkeys. They also however have to understand certain things to function in society. Finding a balance is a good idea. Because your kid is simply not designed to be a trained monkey.

If you teach by example, it will help. You want your son to control himself show him how. Show him you can do it first. Show him respect make authority a non issue and *YOU* abide by the contract also. The contract idea *ONLY* works if it applies as much to *YOU* as it does to him. Because if it doesn’t have authority over you as well as him, he sees it instead as a tool you are using to gain authority. Kinda like religion in the hands of a politician. It is just another club, a new one serves the same purpose as screaming and yelling with less effort on your part and that is not a good place to be because then it won’t help you anymore than screaming and yelling will.

ADD is as challenging as you make it. If you believe all the rhetoric and buy into the terror… Then you will raise an out of balance demented kid ADD or no ADD. Parents exhibiting high stress, inevitably raise children with behavior issues because children are sponges. Even those with LD. They just sponge in a different way…. And may have lesser capacity at outputting what they have sponged up….

Good luck and if i can be helpful in anyway as someone living with this bogus affliction of havving a personality (oh noes!) every day of my life let me know. One of my innate talents is to communicate fairly well. 7 year olds typically don’t have the vocabulary or the brain development to put these things in words as an adult can. So sometimes it is easier to get it from an adult that has literally been there.

Good luck and you work on yourself first and you will see improvement in your child. And even if you don’t so what? You won’t feel so bad about yourself anymore and when you feel less bad about yourself, the whole world naturally (even the problems in it) seem a bit less problematic.

Claire, I am not a parenting expert, but I did attend a parenting group for many years because I wanted to parent differently and better than I thought I had been parented. We used a book published in 1964, Children the Challenge, by Rudolph Dreikurs. This method uses the principles of Adlerian psychology in parenting. Basically, “bad” behavior (like temper tantrums, attention seeking), is ignored and the parent attempts to use encouragement as much as possible. Praise is avoided, unless it is truly realistic. So, when a children are fighting and want mom to intervene, Mom can say, “I know you can handle this situation and work things out.” When in doubt, say nothing. I often kept my mouth shut so that I could have time to think about how I wanted to respond and deal with a situation. I could usually think better when I felt calmer. The parent is encouraged to avoid or extricate oneself from power struggles with the child. Also, rules and the consequences of not following the rules are explained to a child before enforcing the rules. For example, if the child is hard to handle at the grocery store, the mom might arrange with a friend to be ready to accept the child if the shopping trip does not work out. Then, before the shopping trip, mom can explain that she expects the child to be calm in the store and that no candy or toys will be bought on this trip, only groceries for the family. Mom will also say that if the child cannot handle these rules, they will have to leave the store and go to auntie’s house. Then, at the store, if all goes well, good. If the child misbehaves, ie, breaks the rules mom told him or her about before hand, mom will not talk, but will put the grocery cart in a corner of the store, pick the child up or take the child by the hand cheerfully, and tke the child to the prearranged house. This all takes time and planning, but it is worth it to teach your child how to behave. All during this, the mom needs to act cheerful. Demonstrating anger is counterproductive. I did this twice, and after that, my daughter was a big help in the grocery store.
Parenting is the hardest job there is. Despite my good intentions, sometimes I lost my temper! I never felt so angry at anyone than I did with my sweet daughter.
My daughter, who is an only child, is now 29 and has some complaints about how she was raised. She thinks I should have comforted her during her temper tantrums instead of ignoring the tantrums and says she felt abandoned at those times. We will see what she finds the best to do when she has children someday. I am not sure, but I think the Dreikurs book is in libraries and is still in print. I recommend it.
I think you really cannot understand the position of a parent until you have the full time responsibility for a young life.

I understand why one poster here says just grow up. After all screaming tantrums are not mature behavior. As a person with dyslexia, i completely understand extreme frusteration and the kind of problem it causes. I am not making an excuse for someone to verbally abuse their child. Which make no mistake, yelling and screaming at a small child most assuredly *is.* It’s just that, extreme and difficult situations sometimes happen to people, and when they do, a little understanding and gentle kindness and a more compassionate less judgemental aproach can be, a much more apropriate response. Especially when the one doing such severe damage to a child is coming forward to actually *admit* what they are doing. I see nothing here that indicates the original poster is proud or accepting or ok with their behavior. Nor should they be. But the last time my father beat me i was in my 20s. I know a few things about abuse abusers and abuse victims the damage it does etc. I only wish, i had a father who had the deeper human decency to do what this person who has had the courage to post here. A request for help.

The problem i see though is this:

When i re-read this, i hear such frusteration and i can offer compassion but i also here actualo dislike possibly even loathing of one’s own child. And the fact that this person is here looking for help dealing with her kid as a disabled person, seems the wrong place to be. If i were behaving in such a manner, i would sign myself up for the soonest shrink appointment and anger management courses that i could. Not come looking for other people with issues with LD children. Because, the child is *NOT* responsible for the behaviors of an adult.

Also, a website, is a total cop out. Lets all ring a bell and light a cnadle and declare the problem solved sort of a deal. Unfortunately, that is not actually going do any good as far as the situation is concerned nor is it going to change a behavior that has developed from frusteration over a long period of time that has become such a habbit that the poster sees fit to seek help.

The other thing about this that i find worrisome, is that, the poster notes the disaproval of those around her in dealing with her child and how she does (or rather doesn’t do it) Which leads me to believe, this is another case of misdiagnosis of ADHD and actually an abused child displaying the symptoms of the abuse. I would guess as a single mother this person has to work alot and that this child has possibly spent alot of time around the grandfather who has some of the same behavior traits? Children are sponges. And it seems, in accordance with the methodology of diagnosis with ADHD, (I have read the manual on diagnosis methodology) To quote “Any time a parent displays symptoms of serious frusteration, ADHD is evident in the child.” IE ADHD, is not so much even a diagnosis of a child’s behavior (As technically according to the manual on the subject, a child does not even have to technically be interviewwed or observed by the one diagnosing the ADHD child) Though i will say, it is an unusual case where the child is not observed or interviewed. Therefore, it seems to me more likely the problem is not ADHD at all but infact a parent that is over worked and over tired who simply is having trouble dealing with a child that happens to be a human being who at 7 is doing exactly what he should be doing. Becoming a rational being and beginning some major and crucial steps towards personality development.

Colearly, i have to think that though the child’s behavior may be hard on the parent, the single parent life style and difficulties are possibly the real problem? And it seems ludicrous to have a child labled as we do as a society due to the failures of adults to keep up. This is why i stand by my opinion that most people are not cut out to be parents. I would give the 5 year old 2 years before that child too is exhibiting similar behaviors sponged up from the one they spend their time around and soon you have 2 labled kids. Then what will you do? Yell and scream at that child too? Did it ever occurr to you that other people interact with your children without screaming yelling and foot stamping and they get a very different response from your children as a result and therefore have trouble understanding your behavior and even more trouble condoning it? I am offering some understanding and compassion here. I understand your frusteration. You need a vacation. You are likely extremely over worked always exhausted constantly between a rock and a hard place saddled with 2 young children all alone possible without proper support? But that isn’t a disability in your child. That is an inadequacy that you created for yourself and disliking your children for existing and yelling and screaming at them because when they came along you had a less difficult life, also not their fault. You are frusterated with yourself and the choices you made in it. I am so sorry things have happened this way for you.It is really very very very sad. And i am sure that what your children put up with as a result of your choices has made them harder to deal with and asking for help is a wonderful start but this may not be the best forum to entirely explore the issue in. Not saying go away and don’t come back. I for one am happy to be supportive and helpful to you in anyway that i am able to be and i admire the courage it takes to step forward like this. It is just, there are other facits of this problem that seem to me anyway like far more likely culprits and serious factors in this whole issue than your child’s ADHD “diagnosis.”

Please, get some help that will actually help as opposed to trying to blame atleast in part a disability for which there is no scientifically quantifiable proof that it actually even exists. And keep on posting and dealing seeing what support help and advise you can get here. But don’t just get online spend a few minutes looking for a website and calling it a day to nullify the head shaking of those around you.

There are 2 books you should read. One of them is called The Prince, it is by Machiavelli. It is advice to french royalty during a time of feudalism, encouraging royalty to terrorize those living “under” them (dependant upon them) Keep them loyal through their fear of you. Is his essential message. This could be the sort of thing you have accidentally caused with your behavior and fear reactions can be…. Extreme…. I know because i have lived it. You might want to see if maybe your child fits better the diagnosis of PTSD, rather than ADHD. It’s not uncommon in abused or mismanaged children.

Utopia is interesting because it says first we create our problems and then we seek solutions for our problems when the answer is essentially simple. We just don’t make the problems to begin with. You need some help learning how to not make your own problems. Which will inevitably as your children grow up because children are sponges, become your children’s problems. What are you gonna do when your son is 16 a foot and a half taller than you and 50 pounds heavier than you exhibiting the tantrums that you throw now? What if he crosses the line into violence during these because maoles are innately wired ddifferently than women they are more violent by nature. (As, it was at one time necesary for survival of humanity men were the hunters, women the gatherers and child bearers. Men were also the warriors they are physically and brainwise different than women in this respect. That does not mean women are never violent oh we can definately be violent too. But men, have a genetic disposition that make violence more a part of their male identity. And society to some degree nurtures that disposition) I am not saying your son will grow up to be violent he may grow up to be sweet and wonderful and very gentle. But, children are sponges. And if his early childhood (the first 5 years are the most important in a child’s development) are filled with mommy throwing tantrums who knows how he will turn out? You could be creating a far larger problem for yourself than you realize. You may also be parenting exactly or similarly to how yoour parents parented. My mother had to work very very hard to not do that because her mother was like my father. And my mother still just looked the other way for over 20 years, till i went to college and there was no one there for him to beat anymore except for her. Then it ended pretty quick. I am not saying you were raised by parents throwing tantrums all the time. I am just throwing out some things to think about And to consider and to ask yourself. I am not an expert. I am just a person that has managed to live a life time or 5 in 28 years largely by no fault of my own. Anyway, you can’t learn how to just not make your own problems by reading a website or 2. It takes time and effort and leswsons and some major changes. It isn’t so simple to just change one’s behavior patterns reading a website or 2. And you really need to because your children’s futures depend on it. *BOTH* of them. ADHD or no ADHD.

Lucky for you though, Orwell when speaking about the government and national change said “We can be the change we want to see.” This is a truth that can not be denied and it holds not just when dealing with the problems of the nation but in dealing with our own personal problems as well. Seriously, please, get help for this somewhere more apropriate than a web site or 2. You made your choices in life now you are making your children’s. And you owe it to them to make the best choices for their lives that are out there. And you need some help. There is no shame in it. The shame is in continueing the current situation and the damage to your child and the damaging behaviors which you seem to realize are damaging to your child and to your relationship with your child. You are coloring all his future relationships with women and with authority. You are so important to your child’s world view and interaction with the world his whole life depends on learning positive practices from you in dealing with frusteration etc. So please, keep posting and look for support here, but also please, go get some anger management and see someone who can teach you to change your behavior in dealing with your frusteration.

Hi there,
I too have been in your position and I can still hearing my voice come out of my 9 year old and how impatient he gets with his younger brother. Patience wears thin when you have to pull the kids along in everything they do. Friendships got me through the bad times and eventually depression medication LOL.

My husband worked long hours and for the first 5 years it felt like I was a solo parent with these children I couldn’t relate to. Even now I have to step back and ask Hubby how he would approach this as an Introvert and Extrovert have a completely different take on the world.

Times 2am so had better get to bed.
6 yr old staying home tommorrow as he’s stuttering and completely tired out from going to school today.
Bye

Parenting or should I say bad parenting is the cause of most ADHD. If the the dog whisperer can control unruly dogs surely a child whisperer can control unruly children.

Parenting is hard work. Parents need to realize that before they bring kids into the world.

I couldn’t agree more about bad parenting and ADHD.

As for the dog whisperer’s training methods, many consider them to be rather… cruel… And more kind methods have been found in recent years that yield the same results. (I am mother to a maltese and a very ADHD border coillie with reading issues. I have now spent 2 years trying to teach him to read with no indication as of yet that he is infact learning the skill.)

Lastly, an ADHD child and a dog are simply not the same. And such a comparison misses this critical and fundimental point.

I do agree though. Most parents don’t want to give the full amount of what is really ecesary to give to be a good parent especially in more recent history and that is a huge and major piece of the ADHD plague. Not everyone is designed to be a parent and far fewer people in this world should be having kids.

Not sure I want to join in here…there seems to be a lot of judgemental responses and people who think they are experts on the subject of LD. I saw a lot of statements that were stated as fact, when in fact, those statements are nothing more than the poster’s opinion. If this is the crap I’m going to get for advice, no thanks!

Claireloon- I am a mother who struggles with the frustration of dealing with an 11 year old son who has ADHD and an 8 year old daughter who has ADD. I have spent all day today researching dyslexia because I suspect that my daughter has that as well as her ADD. Having not one, but two children who have LDs, it is hard, to say the least, to NOT result to screaming at times. What I have found that helps me keep from screaming when I find myself coming to a boiling point is to separate the two for about ten minutes. They could be bossing each other around, hitting each other, fighting over a toy, etc. Whatever the situation, they need a break from each other, so the ten minute cool down usually works. My children’s grocery store tantrums have all but stopped completely simply by threatening to put them in their rooms when we get home. (Follow-through was very important in teaching them that it was not an idol threat.) I can’t always drop what I’m doing and go home, so I save that method for the really bad ones, like a recent trip to Wal-Mart…My daughter wanted me to buy her something even though I had told her that she was not going to get anything before we got there. When it was time to go, she refused to move away from the item that she wanted. After attemps to get her to move failed, I had to pick her up and carry her out. I have a lot more that I would like to add, but I have to go. I hope that what I have shared can help you in some way.

Having been on message boards for years, I know what happens next…

Let the smart arse replies begin…

Oh dear, sweet, sweet lady, I can truly understand your situation!

my 12 year old was diagnosed at 9, but needed to be much sooner. Also discovered he had Central Auditory Processing Disorder (diagnosed by qualified audiologist). Many ADHD students have other issues in addition to their ADD/ADHD.

Things that help in our family:
using short (5 words or less) sentences
Pictures instead of lists, for example, our morning routine
I can’t say things like “clean your room”, I must break it down into smaller pieces, like “put away all your Legos” and then set a timer with beeper for 10 minutes
Constantly work on keeping my voice at normal levels, everyday, for years. This is HARD!
Constantly talking to Dr. to get right amount of Rx, and this also changes due to their growing, etc.
Giving Rx on weekends so our son doesn’t stay in trouble all the time - or aggravate siblings

Hope this helps!

Unfortunately, we are all labeled by society whether we like it or not, whether we have a LD or not. Who isn’t looked at and determined by others to be too fat, too skinny, obnoxious, anxious, etc. etc? When I say “love your child to the best of your ability” I mean just that. All four of my children are loved to the best of my ability, and they all have their strengths and faults, like I do. I can only do my best, no more. Whether I lose my cool and scream at one, two, three, or all of them doesn’t mean I love them any less or am damaging them for all eternity. I tell them I make mistakes and apologize to them for losing it, and I expect them to learn to do the same. Parenting is one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs there is.

ewforever and brenda: we are on the same page! My 11[year old is the sweetest child, but when it comes to homework or changing activities, I have done my share of screaming and child-like fit throwing to try to get him to cooperate. Even knowing that he is ADD and LD, and being told that patience is the key (especially to getting tasks like homework completed), I have to admit that I still blow my top on occasion. Come on, we, too, are only human, even if we are the parents, supposedly in control, and we live and learn from our past, present, and future mistakes like all humans, be they young or old. I find that leaving the situation (letting an older sibling or my husband step in) for a while helps tremendously…..that stubborn ill-behaved child that I left in a tantrum looks much better to me after a walk around the neighborhood or a trip to the grocery store! Do your best and love your child to the best of your ability.

“Do your best and love your child to the best of your ability.”

Ahhh yes it is fine for the parent to do their best but when the LD child does their best it is never good enough because they are defective. Which is kind of reason to be able to love them a little bit less right? i mean they are somehow different they are less than the other children.

We are all humans and that much is true. Those of us labled and those of us not. Which is part of why i feel labling people is a very bad idea. Because in so doing you strip a way a piece of their humanity in the eyes of others. What right has anyone to do that to another human being? I doubt you would get so frusterated if you viewed him as less flawed and looked instead for the flaw 8in your methodology of imparting information to him and to working with him. I get for some reason he seems more challenging than others but he is still your child. A human being just like you regardless of what sticky lable they can slap on his forehead. He is not just a stubborn and ill behaved child. He is *YOUR* child. *YOUR* baby.

Not everyone has endless streams of support like older children to step in to help them or a husband to step in to help. Some parents do it all alone and do alot better than screaming at their kid and having tantrums themselves because they are frusterated with the challenge presented to them. You have no excuse for such behavior. This is another example of an ADHD diagnosis bewing quite possinbly more based in nurture than nature. Disturbing.

If leaving the situation for a short time helps and is what you need to do to thin and to calculate the next step to take with your difficult challenging situation then i aplaud you for doing that and even more for offering the suggestion to someone else habving difficulty. But those of us with ADHD do not apreciate being considered less than and different and less lovable. Let us pray for the sake of all of you all that your kids never find these posts. because when they do, some of them will cause them a great deal of pain. Don’t forget when you post on the internet that what you say here lasts forever.

Some good stuff here. I do think it’s best not to criticize - there are kids who are difficult and would tax the most competent parent (I had two of them!)

I do agree that ADHD is more of a description than a disease. Some kids are just like that, and they have a hard time in school, and they also can make it challenging to feel like you’re doing a good job as a parent.

A couple things I learned to do: 1) Provide lots of stimulation - stimulants “work” for these kids because they are seeking stimulation and these drugs provide it artificially. Providing lots of natural excitement and fun helps to meet that need without resorting to medical means.

2) Stay positive - defining desirable behavior and reinforcing it, rather than trying to stop bad behavior, works way better. Get intense and excited about GOOD behavior (see #1) and ignore the bad stuff as much as you can.

3) Contracts - Mandi described this very well. When the rules apply to everyone, kids with a strong sense of fairness are much more willing to comply. It helps a ton when the child helps define good and bad behavior AND the positive and negative consequences for engaging in them. For younger kids, sticker charts are great for immediate reinforcement. The stickers are a reinforcement in themselves (get lots of cool, shiny, fun stickers), and you can give additional rewards for the first 5, 10, 20, or whatever. Ice cream, movies, or other fun activities are good reinforcers.

3) Use oppositional attitudes to your advantage - if your child likes to oppose you, don’t power struggle, let them “win” by doing what you want! Bet them that they can’t do A, B, or C, and act really frustrated or angry when they “beat” you. Make it FUN for them to do what you want by challenging them and predicting they can’t do it. The more you make a game out of playing by the rules, especially if it’s a game they can win at your apparent expense, the easier your time will be.

4) Take care of yourself. You need breaks and respite. Don’t try to do everything and be kind to yourself when you slip up. You need to keep the focus on the long-term. A bad interaction is not a disaster, it’s a learning experience. Apply what you learned to the next time and move on.

Those are just a couple things we’ve learned from raising two very challenging, bright, oppositional, hyperactive, wonderful boys. And oddly enough, they didn’t turn out to be criminals or drug addicts or mental patients, despite not using medication. They turned out to be productive citizens who have learned to use their strengths and moderate their weaknesses so that they are successful and well-regarded and not the least bit “disabled” or ill.

There is hope! Be nice to yourself, think long-term, be positive and MAKE IT FUN!

–- Steve

Oh, and by the way, we yelled at our kids lots of times. They still turned out OK.

I’m no expert, but I have a daughter with ADD. I been through what you feel, and I’ll tell you what worked for me…

First, you might consider reading “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” By Stephen Covey. I don’t agree with everything in that book, but there is some EXCELLENT material in their about influencing relationships through changes in your behavior.

If I were to crystalize it into a nutshell: If you want to influence your child into being a better child, focus on being a better parent.

Spend some quality time with them. Show them you love them and enjoy their company. Look for things they do right and talk about them, at least as much as you talk about the things they do wrong. Throw out any expectations you have about who you want them to be, and love them - sincerely love them - for who they really are.

And always remember… you don’t control this relationship. You can only influence the direction - through your own behavior.

Frankly, the very fact that you have posted your concern and are looking for solutions speaks volumes about you. Don’t be hard on yourself. You sound like a good parent to me.

Good luck,
Rickrun