I’m a contributing editor at Ladies Home Journal and have written about learning disabilities before. I’m working on a story about how you can learn about your spouse through your children, and am looking to talk to the spouse of someone who was diagnosed with LD or ADHD after a child of theirs was diagnosed LD or ADHD. The point of my story is that children often give us insight into our spouses, and I’m wondering how this diagnosis impacted the husband-wife relationship.
Please e-mail me at [email protected] if you would like to contribute to this article.
Thank you—Jeannie Ralston
Re: Relationship with Spouse
I AM THE SPOUSE WITH ADHD/ADD/PANIC ATTACKS IN MY
MARRIAGE. I DID NOT GET INTO THERAPY SOON ENOUGH TO
SAVE THE MARRIAGE. A THERAPUTIC REGIME THAT WORKS
TOOK ABOUT 5 YEARS TO ACHEIVE AND THE MARAIGE LASTED
2 YRS 11 MONTHS…….”IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH” DOES NOT
APPLY TO THOSE OF US SUFFERING WITH ADD OR PANIC
ANXIETY ATTACKS, MY WIFE WOULD NOT HAVE LEFT ME IF I
HAD HAD CANCER THAT TOOK 5 YRS TO GET UNDER CONTROL.
NOW I AM AFRAID TO TRY AGAIN………
Re: Relationship with Spouse
In fairness to your former spouse…I just separated from my ADHD husband after 3 1/2 years. He went to therapy and quit, he went to the doctor to get medication, and then told the doctor he didn’t want it so left without a prescription. After all of this I was tired of being the bad guy when I expected him to remember conversations that he hadn’t listened to; I was expected to sit by when things came out of his mouth impulsively in public that hurt me; I was expected to accept behaviors that I wasn’t allowed to accept from my 10 year old ADHD son; I was expected to have heard things that he never said. Congratulations for getting therapy and accepting help. No I would not have bailed on a husband with cancer…unless he refused to get help. Give someone a chance as you have already given yourself a chance.
And yes, my husband (who is not my son’s father) was diagnosed almost concurrently with my son.
Re: Relationship with Spouse
There are some things (er… a lot of things) still unprotected by law. Staying married is one of them.
I actually have a different problem. My wife is opposed to me getting treatment (meds) for my ADD. It has helped in the past with some side effects; albiet pretty scary ones. But, I think some of the new drugs could help. I don’t even feel comfortable talking about it anymore and do everything I can to act “normal” around her and our kids. She knows I have problems, but doesn’t believe in all the “psychobabble”. She thinks I watched too much tv as a kid and the doctors wanted to peddle drugs so they made me believe a have a problem.
My dad was diagnosed with ADD nearly 10 years after me. He had to come clean with some other stuff, first. My parents seperated for about 6 months while my dad was “working on it”. It was a struggle for my mom, but I know she felt like things would improve, in the long run. They’re back together now, or at least living together, mostly happy. My dad takes meds and talks to me about the success (and failures) he has with different drugs/dosages.
My dad is a hell of a lot easier to get along with when he remembers his meds. My wife sees this as “getting along with the drugs”. I think she thinks I’ll change into someone she won’t like, or I’ll try to change her to match.
Either way, living with people with ADD is HARD! A lot of people just aren’t cut out for it. It’s especially tough when you go into a marraige thinking everything is alright, when it’s not. It’s not like cancer (live or die). It’s more like being secretly psychopathic. People deal with it until they find out.
I can’t imagine talking to my employer about this. I read some of the other posts about getting an advocate and asking for special accomodations. Maybe they would be forced to keep me employed, but I would be gone with the next batch of layoffs. I certainly would never be up for any promotions or raises beyond their lawyers’ recommendations. Right now I’m just quirky because I come in late and work fast to make up the difference.
It will take a lot of effort (on our part) to change the maturity of our society from tolerating and protecting to accepting and desiring. That’s what we need. If the qualities of ADD are accepted and desired traits of people, we wouldn’t be having discussions about meds and changing and tolerating or not. Maybe if we loved and desired each other as people in general…
Re: Relationship with Spouse
Bill, In the end you have to do what you feel is right for you and your family. If you feel some of the new meds could help, try them out and then discuss it with her. When she finds out that you aren’t going to wake up and decide to leave just because you feel like a new person, she will accept it.
The stigma that comes with ADHD meds is sometimes hard to deal with. I am a teacher and I have had “professionals” at my school tell me that ADHD doesn’t exist and that I am falling into a trap. All this while taking her Prozac with her 10th cup of coffee. What is the difference in her meds and my son’s meds-they both give a better quality of life. The point being that we all have baggage regarding taking meds, whether pro or con. Some of us believe in better living through chemistry while others believe to take a pill is using a crutch. Somewhere in between lies the place we all need to find-a compromise.
Re: Relationship with Spouse
Great succinct letter. Sorry about my spelling. Not getting up for a dic. at the moment. Your letter was very well put.
Ann G.
I am a 32 year old adult with ADHD. I was diagnosed after my son was diagnosed. I am a special education teacher. It impacts my relationship with my husband significantly.