How do I get my delightful, LD Gifted 5th grade daughter to advocate for herself? She has an IEP with accomodations for test taking, extended time, reduced classwork and homework, using a calculator as well as numerous others there isn’t space to mention. :) She absolutely refuses to advocate for herself. She turns down help when it is offered, she doesn’t want to stick out from the other kids. I think it is marvelous that she feels so confident but once she get the test or assignment back and she has tanked it she is devastated. She has been in counseling for self esteem for over 3 years and has come so far. She is so afraid of of standing out. All of this is understandable. What preteen girl wants to be different from her friends. When in the past we have insisted that she take advantage of her accomodations there has never been any repercussions. The school and the teachersa are very discreet about getting her out of class. When it is time to take a test she simply goes to the resource room when they change classes. My biggest fear for her is middle school. Which is right around the corner. She will have 7 different teachers every day, not just 3 like she has now. I have no idea how learning disabilities and middle schools work. She is even to the point of hiding work from us and telling lies to avoid getting into trouble. What she doesn’t understand is that there is no way, shape or form in which she is going to get in trouble over her school work. Any ideas on how to get her to realize that she is not at fault here and there is nothing weak or wrong with accepting the help that is offered to her. Thanks
Re: Advocating
And another question:
Do you think she would do better with the accommodations?
Or is she afraid (and maybe for good reason) that she will still do poorly? Often tests are not designed to bring out LD kids’ knowledge, even with accommodations.
Re: Advocating
My child has had similar issues with not wanting to stand out and not wanting to ask for help. I have no bright ideas for how to get a child to come to grips with the unfair fact that he or she has a learning disability that makes them different in some way from their peers. That is a process of acceptance that takes a long time and your daughter is approaching the age when being different is, from a child’s perspective, absolutely the worst thing in the world. My solution, such as it is, has been to INSIST that the onus is on the teachers to provide the accomodations that the IEP mandates rather than for my son to ask for them. When a teacher said to me “well, I offered him the chance to use the alphasmart but he said he wanted to use a pencil on the test,” I say, “Don’t give him a choice. It is not question of whether he wants to use the accomodation, it is a question of what his IEP says he must get.” As you can imagine, this does not always endear me to teachers, but it is a necessary evil. I tell teachers they can blame it on me if they want to, but I don’t want them to allow my child to reject accomodations. If the accomodations don’t help, then we can rethink them, but it is hard to know if they work if they aren’t actually employed, even if they are offered.
Re: Advocating
My 7th grader with LD receives and wants no accomodations; he would rather die than be singled out Middle school is very difficult socially and even smart nonLD kids don’t like to show how smart they are …it’s better to dork around with everyone else. I would never push special ed services on a middle schooler. Have you read, Not Much, Just chillin, the Hidden World of Middle Schoolers by Linda Pearlstein? Very insightful.
self-advocacy
My child first qualified for LD services in middle school. She struggled for so long before that she was grateful to finally get help. She hated the inclusion model where the LD teacher or aide in the regular classroom leaned over her shoulder trying to “help” her- even though those teachers often helped anyone who needed it, not just the kids with IEPs. She wasn’t one of the “popular” crowd but never had a problem with being teased for going to the resource room for math or “learning strategies” class. The learning strategies classes were great- the LD teacher communicated with regular ed. teachers and helped each student with that work, preparing for tests, reteaching difficult concepts, etc, whatever she needed help with. One of the goals that has always been in her IEP is that she will learn to advocate for herself. Her teachers have done a wonderful job of encouraging this skill and she has been quite successful- now on honor roll and accepted at several selective colleges. It’s not too early to sit down with the child study team and start planning the transition to middle school— that change is hard enough on typical kids with no learning issues!
one great teacher
What worked for my own son - and he was in middle school - was a remarkable teacher. My son simply did NOT want to fail any test but he also did not want to acknowledge much less accept himself as having learning differences. One day his music teacher said there would be a test and that spelling would count heavily. He must spell all words correctly including orchestra and symphony and intermezzo…..
My dear son literally couldn’t spell his own name correctly. He came home upset that he would fail the test. I advised him to talk to the teacher and explain that he had learning differences. He protested and cried but came home smiling the next day. That wonderful teacher not only told him that spelling would NOT count for him but that he too had learning differences and struggled to spell.
My son said that it was great to have spelling not count but even greater to know he wasn’t the only one with learning differences and that if this great teacher had them too, he was in pretty good company.
I wish every teacher my son encountered had been this great but that we had one like this made all the difference.
Good luck.
Re: Advocating
I think this is quite typical (as you see) for most kids in the earlier years; particularly prior to and often into high school. Our son resisted it all through the elementary years. We even had a bout with a counselor who said “I asked him if he wanted to go to counseling, and he said “no”“! We were astounded that this happened in the 4th grade when there were clear signs of esteem issues directly related to the academics.
On the other hand, by about the 10th grade, in an appropriate environment (smaller non-public school), he seemed to prefer dealing with the teachers regarding modifications than having us come in (which by that time was fine with us) :shock:
Anyway, particularly at the earlier ages, you need to make sure the modifications get taken care of. A quiet meeting with the teacher, in a non-confrontative manner, done privately, without other kids within earshot, may help the teacher take notice and do what needs to be done in a way that does not make your daughter feel like she is being singled out. At some point, maybe your daughter could try having the meeting with the teacher either before or after school to discuss the methods in which the modifications can be administered. Maybe they can work out their own signals that other kids won’t be so quick to pick up on…
I guess if it’s any consolation, her behaviors are “normal” :o .
Good luck.
Andy
This is an extremely common problem.
Frankly, the best solution I have found is to simply make the accommodations happen, period — with a goal in mind, and when the goal is met, the accommodation can be removed for a test. This is *especially* for middle school (where I taught). Ideally the day of the test the student doesn’t even go to the test room (to be “pulled out”).
It requires being assertive (or even aggressive) about communicating about when tests and assignmnets are happening — but while it’s a social disaster to Be Different, it’s very socially acceptable to have to Groan About What Your Mother Makes You Do. (Depending on how her social skills are, you could evn encourage her to role-play that role.)
It really is asking a lot of our students to (in their perspective) say “excuse me, I’m a retard, could you please …” In my experience, building a genuine belief that they are smart and worthy takes a lot of practice and work, and unfortunately there are all-too-frequent experiences that undo the practice and work. It frustrates me no end… but my students so often sincerely perceive experiences in the worst possible light — so what should *not* tear them down, does. I can’t stress enough how important it is to find something that she’s *good* at and can build on that experience… frequently. It’s too easy for them to find the skateboarders to give that kind of feedback… (nothing against skateboarding per se — but I’ve seen too many frustrated formerly-good-kiddos in middle school gravitate to ‘peer’ groups with less than healthy habits.)
Now, for some kids, middle school is when they can find themselves and come into their own — don’t assume it’s got to be bad. But don’t assume it’s good and that you’d know it if it were bad, iether.