ok i have 5 kids, the ld child is the oldest (10 years) and the next is 2 years younger (8years), they don’t get along very well because they are sooo different. They are both girls. The ten year old has mjr self-esteem issue, which I have not helped due to years of not dealing with getting her dx’d, and giving her a hard time about behavior and grades issues.
Her sister on the other handhas always excelled in school (causing a natural tension between them). The ld child also has nld (with mjr defecits in executive functioning), so she is difficult to me, where as her sister has up until recently been fairly easy child.
Recently, the 2 girls are fighting constantly and my younger daughter is starting to act out more. I believe some of this is learned behavior and mimicking of her sister. She sees me giving her sister all this extra attention and affection (trying to make up for the timesthat I just couldn’t stand her because of her behavioral issues). I try to make sure I give allof the children more love but the 8 yr old is feeling a little slighted I think. She definetly notices that I let somethings slide with her sister that i would never let her get away with. So I think she feels sort of angry withj her sister.
On the other hand I think tjhe older ones feels that her sister is my ‘good child’ and resents her.
To top it off they share a room (no choice), so they are always in eachothers space.
Any one survived similar situations?
Any advice on dealing with this.
Remeber I have 5 children (all younger then rthe 10 yr old) so giving 1 child a special day necessitates giving 5 children sp[ecial days and that is not doable because of our schedule.
I don’t have any magic solutions. If I did, I’d use them at my house!!!
We have had many discussions at our house about people doing what they are capable of. I think LD is part of the “everyone is different” kind of conversation that teaches tolerance. But of course, tolerance is easier in the abstract than when it impinges upon your life.
Last year my oldest, who had always been an honors student, started goofing off and was in danger of getting a C in algebra. We laid down the law of what would happen and she came back with but dear brother has got a C in math before and you didn’t do anything. We told her that he was working hard and if that was what he could do, so be it. If she was working hard, we’d feel the same way. But she wasn’t and so the punishment. A’s and B’s were acceptable. C’s were not.
I do think that you could talk to your eight year old about the fact that some things that are easy for her are harder for her older sister.
I also know from talking to my friends that sibling issues are common even without LD.
I think you have to figure out what your LD child can’t do and what just takes more effort. My LD son was failing spanish last year (once a week class in a parochial school) and I told him he was going to spanish camp instead of boy scout camp if he didn’t get at least a C. Now spanish is not his subject, no doubt, but he also wasn’t turning in homework because he had a major attitude issue about spanish. He managed to get a C.
I think that the fact that there were consequences for his behavior helped with sibling issues—that he can’t use his LD as an excuse for everything.
That I think is at least part of the key. You are raising a child who is in some ways less capable than her sibling. Yet for her sake, as well as her sister’s, you don’t want to expect too little from her. And you want there to be consequences for doing less than she is capable of. The standards may have to be somewhat different but there have to standards.
And here is where I would at least think about having different behavioral standards for your two girls. Is the oldest incapable of doing what you expect from her sister? Or does it just require more work to do it? Do you need to manage her really differently than her sister? If so, do it but make sure that you do have standards and consequences. Emphasize to your children that everyone is capable of different things whether because of age (you wouldn’t expect the same from a 4 year old as an 8 year old) or abilities.
Just be careful that you are not feeling guilty and letting the 10 year old get away with too much. I know one of my friends did that with her LD child and the child ended up not very capable. I have really tried to make sure my LD son does household work and has responsibilities. I have done too much on the organization end, I will admit. He is very disorganized and often exhausted by the time his homework was done. Now that he is 12 I am really trying to force him to take responsibility for putting his stuff together.
Beth